More women are bringing toys to the bedroom

The good book declares that where two or three are gathered in God's name, he is amidst them. I will however desist from giving the precise book and verse from whence this teaching is drawn. But perhaps we could deduce that the creator is marveled by bigger congregations because it means there, more will be converted and guided to everlasting life.

While we are assured that God created man in his image, it may appear that this same being that God is purportedly proud of has been everything contrary to his wishes.

He gathers not to praise the name of his heavenly father but rather to prise open the legs of his daughters. Rather than spread the word, man has been spreading more than his fair share of legs.

If we remove Sodom and Gomora from the picture, most of the unions between men and women were limited to just two people at one time. We knew better than to knock on doors that had two pairs of shoes - man's and woman's - on the front door mat.

Even from an early age when we still believed babies were bought from the supermarket, we dared not interrupt two people meeting if it involved a male and a female.

But apparently, this is no longer obvious, Tom now wants to have both Mary and Caren at the same time. A gathering of three people is no longer a surety that the word of God is being spoken even if Mary said she was going for Kesha.

Unfortunately, these illicit meetings of three or more usually involve women who are not legal partners to the man. We have however given up getting surprised by the tricks this gender has up its sleeves.

Cold season is here

Men are generally good for us because they are loyal beasts of burden who can deliver diligently to our queendoms for as long as we give them the faux sense that they are in charge.

Much as we hate to admit it, we have also realized that toys can be quite limiting, especially in this cold month of July when the blanket is just not enough. While a well-charged toy can cause a toe-curling orgasm, we cannot downplay the role of a partner snuggling in the soft pattering of the morning rain.

We have henceforth decided to relegate the toys to the position of a helper - should man topple over before reaching Canaan we shall complete the journey with his 'helper.'

Meanwhile, we have long resolved that for as long as we want to continue eating chicken, we will not scrutinize what the chicken is eating.

We nevertheless hope that the chicken will continue to be discreet in its scratching and that it will not drag in any evidence of its escapades. We will continue assuming that the purpose of any gatherings of three or more is a holy one.

When we meet on the home front, we will assume our duties as homemakers and nurturers of children. The man shall play the more masculine roles of cutting the fence and when necessary, plumbing. Should there be an imbalance we will run to our helper and them to theirs.