Dear men, this is why you should only 'chew' chicks with brains from now on

I attended this party. It was the kind where folks say, ‘I wanna get sloshed,’ rather than, ‘Leo nalewa kama burukenge!’

It was high-end and we were six. Fair ratio. The five had an orgy while I gobbled up the free litre of Johnny Walker Black Label.

When morning came, the bird that had been mercilessly butchered and eaten by my two comrades stepped out of the bedroom nude as a night runner.

She unplugged her phone from the charger, dialed a number and said, ‘Babe, aki this party was so boring. Guys fought the whole night. Ebu come pick me hapo Tuskys…’

Why casual sex? This is how guys sambaza herpes and kaswende.

I’ve been in three relationships during my tenure as a useless student of journalism. The first girl was my sunshine.

I took her on dates, bought her ice-cream, remembered her birthdays and bought her presents from time to time. With the two other girls, I was dumped because I couldn’t afford it.

I’d rather drown in a pool of keg beer than take a girl on a dinner date. Girls, don’t settle for a guy who would want to download Black Panther, have you watch it from his laptop instead of taking you to Imax.

Guys, if you want to date an 18- or 19-year-old girl (first year), be ready to spend good cash and give her the thrill and excitement she deserves.

My message is simple. If you must be in a sexual relationship, be civil. Faithful.

If you must cheat, use a condom then let your partner know you cheated. And please date or have s*x with a mate who adds some value to your campus life.

Four years is too short a time to pump or ride a useless mate.