Shattered serenity: Unveiling dark struggle of mothers' depression

Chebet Birir believed the baby was not hers. [File, Standard]

What triggered her the most was a party that was held for the baby.

"I felt guilty. I thought they brought the presents because I am not able to afford to take care of my own child. My husband also did not have a good job at the time," she says.

Chebet started believing she was the devil and had suicidal thoughts. "I wanted to kill myself and go with my baby because who would take care of her?"

She would later go back to her mother's house in Kericho and that is where she attempted to kill herself for the first time. She went to the kitchen and took a knife.

"I felt so powerless when I held the knife, my hands were weak. Then I heard my mother's voice calling my name," she says.

She was delusional. Apart from not showering for days, she believed the baby was not hers.

Suicidal thoughts

The second time she attempted to kill herself, she had gone to Nairobi with her husband. The husband's friends came to visit, carrying with them a lot of shopping, which triggered her.

"I felt so guilty that I cannot help my husband with finances and that his friends have to buy things for us. So I took my baby who was six months old at the time and went to the balcony to jump from the fifth floor. One of his friends was outside so he hindered my mission."

She was taken to the hospital when the condition worsened.

"I was hearing my baby's crying all over. Every face looked like that of my child, even when I saw an old man's face in the newspaper obituary section."She was given anti-psychotic drugs and the condition was managed.

During her second pregnancy in 2020, the family was on the lookout for symptoms. However, with the second child the depression was different, she "felt like Jesus".

"The first time I was the devil with negative thoughts, this time I was Jesus and would carry all the problems in the world. I would shout come I will give you rest."

Chebet says she would sing songs of praise loudly and wanted to do everything."I was manic. I wanted to enroll for master's, and play basketball. I talked too much, dressed too well, and always wanted to breastfeed the baby. I would shout to the neighbours, 'come ye who are burdened I will give you rest'."

She was given medication and went to her mother in Kericho for a week. "My mother and my husband are my greatest support system."

Support groups

Pasqueline Njau started an organisation in 2017 called Calmind Foundation that promotes maternal mental health through education, support and advocacy. This was after her postpartum depression experience.

"After recovery, I decided that I would not sit and watch other women suffer in that darkness and in silence anymore. It is then that I decided to share my story on various platforms to encourage more women to speak up to create awareness and reduce stigma," she says.

After the birth of her second child, Pasqueline says she felt overwhelmed by everything. "Small tasks made me feel like breaking down and crying."

"There are nights I cried myself to sleep. My baby had serious colic and whenever she would cry I would just find myself crying with her. One moment I will be happy and the next minute I will be so sad," she says.

She felt was a bad mother and her children were better off without her. But the thought of ending her life was too scary.

Pasqueline Njau started Calmind Foundation after her postpartum depression experience. [File, Standard]

Her husband knew she was not alright but he could not exactly understand what was happening. According to him, she had just changed.

It took a friend to realise she might be ill and needed to seek help. A counsellor was recommended who told her she was suffering from postpartum depression. "The fact that I had hyperthyroidism increased my risk of falling mentally ill. This is where my recovery began. She walked with me to full recovery."

Knowing the signs

Being aware and knowing the signs of postpartum depression helped Pasqueline when she conceived her third child.

"I was not prepared to get another child soon and I was worried I would get into depression again. However, I was determined to help myself. So I did things very consciously. I hired an extra nanny to help with the baby so I could find time to rest and take care of myself, I also used self-help techniques that effectively helped me sail through without falling into depression," she says.

According to Dr Pacifica Onyancha, visiting psychiatrist at Nairobi West Hospital, postpartum depression occurs within the first year after giving birth, but it typically develops within the first few weeks or months. It is a mood disorder that is characterised by feelings of sadness, anxiety, irritability, and fatigue.

"Postpartum psychosis, on the other hand, is a more severe condition that can involve hallucinations, delusions, and disorganised behaviour. This condition is less common than postpartum depression but can be more dangerous if left untreated," she says.

Onyancha says the exact cause of postpartum depression and psychosis are not well understood, but it is believed that changes in hormone levels, particularly a drop in estrogen and progesterone, can play a role.

Motherhood stress

"The stress of caring for a newborn, lack of sleep, and changes in routine and social support can also contribute to the development of these conditions. In most cases there is usually a family history of mental illness, postpartum psychosis, or other mental conditions like schizophrenia," she says.

Onyancha adds that any woman can experience postpartum depression or psychosis, but certain factors can increase the risk. Women who have a history of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder are more likely to experience postpartum depression or psychosis.

Other risk factors include a difficult pregnancy or delivery, a lack of social support, and financial or relationship stress.

In the case of Naserian, lawyer Cynthia Benson says it's the work of the prosecution to prove intent.

"However, we know there's no mother of sound mind who would kill their own child or cause any form of harm. It's hard to prove the woman had the intention to kill her child."