My fiancé said no without a car as an engagement present!

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> As you know, today, I am commemorating a one month anniversary since I left my Ksh 450 balance with the rogue conductor. As a man who has never had a real chance to eat any meat, always swallowing saliva while coveting on the beefy acrobatically enabled chicken of Nairobi Hotels, this hurts so much.

Friends, I am a very sad man. I am so down. In fact, I am planning to take an off day from work and call all of you to this occasion.

This memory is killing me. As a mark of seriousness, I will spend Ksh 1,100 to treat you to some fizzy drinks. You comforted me and I owe you.

Like you are aware my landlord was coming too much. Bwana Thige demanded that I was not allowed to cook any sweet cuisine until I paid his rent. He had threatened that if I didn’t oblige, he had a legal right to confiscate my meals.

As a result, whenever I am cooking I ensure that I block the aroma from leaving my bedsitter. It is so easy; I allow my cheap Chinese sub-woofer with turbo intercooler to play the loudest music it can. That way, he can’t tell if something good can come from Syria. He, pointing a finger at me, had warned me that his place won’t be turned into the Middle East nation.

With full knowledge of the rights enshrined in the new Katiba, I am vying for the position of Chairman, Nyumba Kumi Initiative. We have rights to associations and affiliations in political times.

On the other end of the country, in Mau ranges, my mama is asking why I can’t “stand” for MCA.

I felt jovial thinking that at least, at last she was offering support.

"Yes mama, I can and I will, history is made by the...” she stopped me mid-sentence.

"History isn’t made by... like you", she said and I missed some words.

"What mama?” I asked her to explain again.

"You have to marry before leading the location, why do you prove that you are responsible if you have no wife, Mteule?” I had to claim of network issues and hang up.

Mama has been stepping on my toes since June last year. That she needs to meet her daughter in law.

And my girlfriend, Susan, demands that without a VW POLO she won’t be engaged to me; if only my bank can grant me the low interest capped loan. If it does, which I believe it will, I shall shift to Kileleshwa and rent a two bedroom apartment with a portion of the loan. A third will buy the VW and the rest will be used to award those fellow tenants who will vote for me.

I will do all it takes to be the chairman of Nyumba Kumi in my place of residence. If I have to get dirty, then let it be. The brown skin next door is also interested in the position. It is about who can get dirtier. I won’t relent, winning is a must!

I am sure at your tender age; you always encountered fellows who were fond of daring others into fights. But, they ever insisted hakuna kugonga macho na tumbo. They were keen to dictate that hakuna kugonga macho. I suspect these are the same guys eating meat tukimeza mate! And they are two of such guys in my neighborhood.

I don't trust Stevo, the guy who lives next to the girl next door. This man always disconnects the main switch and then runs to the girl next door's place, asking if her colored stima is lost too. Also, the brown skin is proving too much. Whenever there is a security scare she texts me asking if I can stay awake the whole night monitoring the situation. That is political manipulations.

Like I told you, our bedsitter are fitted with colored stima which changes color from time to time. In the morning it is purple and in the evening I find it green, violet or red. These are very hot bedsitters, spacious and with excellent finishing.

Yesterday, Thursday I had to meet my girlfriend, Susan for a talk in town. As soon as we met I suggested a change of plan.

"Let us go home, I am kind of tired, we can make coffee at my place", I said casting a good Brad Pitt face.

"Is it really hard for you to understand why we used to add maize with cobs while cooking githeri?

That's what Suzie told me when I insisted that we have coffee at our bedsitter in Kinoo-Regen instead of buying in town!

I didn't answer her.

It is always good when to fight and when to give up.

Before, I decided what to do, my phone vibrated and the message icon appeared on the screen. The fact that we see the Mpesa Icon, before we hear the ringtone is a clear manifestation that light travels faster than sound. That is the only principle of science from primary I use.

At least mzee sent me a thousand. And immediately my landlord sent a message: "Nimekata Stima"

This world is so cunning. What was I to do?

I remembered my Sunday school lesson of faith.

So Abraham tells his son Isaac not to worry about the sheep they will provide as a burnt offering, and Isaac doesn't run away?

Today, in Kenya, if my mzee tells me to follow him to the Mugumo tree, with firewood on my back and an instant Chinese-made light without a sheep, I think I would run away.

Not that I am of weak faith but as a fact, Isaac was really brave.

With that knowledge, I did what had to be done. We had coffee with my girl. As for the electricity reconnection it will have to wait for a while longer.

©Mteule