Yes, daktari can easily make looters eat grass

TimbuktuExpress

with MAFTAH YUSUF

There’s only one foolproof way of ensuring that victims of the wanton looting that was the Westgate fiasco get full compensation while the thieves get exposed for their heinous crime.
No, I don’t mean that we create a tribunal to probe the matter, not at all. We should not go into commissions of inquiry either. Kenyans have lost faith in commissions since we paid Waki to look into the post-election violence and yet up to date his famous envelope is lost somewhere between The Hague and Nairobi.
Don’t even listen to Interior Cabinet Secretary that the best way to catch the thieves is to bring in forensic experts.
Let forensics first determine whether the terrorists were male or female. We in this country have our own proven methods of catching thieves. We just enlist the services of one of the many witchdoctors swarming the villages and remote corners of this country.

Expert from Coast

If we are to hire an expert from, say, the Coast, you can be assured that the thieves will suddenly find themselves sufficiently philanthropic to return all they stole to their owners. We could even bring in an expert from Loliondo due to the gravity of the matter.
Media reports indicate the possibility of high calibre thieves having been involved in the heist and we do not want to embarrass the sovereignty of our nation. Rumours closer home are persistent that the culprits may be none other than the people we pay through the nose to guarantee the security of our lives and property might have been compromised by the total absence of al-Shabaab or anyone else for that matter in the mall.
Since until we solve this mystery, everyone is a suspect, we shall begin by traditionally screening General Karangi’s boys and IG Kimaiyo’s people. We shall obviously unearth so much from the rubble at Westgate.   
The Dakatary from Loliondo will first and foremost require that some money be sent to his M-Pesa account as he does not work and then collect later.
After that, all the commandos who were involved in the Westgate rescue mission will be required to line up in a special parade at their barracks in full battle regalia minus their AK 47s.

Unleash witchdoctor

After a pep talk about integrity and courage of an officer, the good general will unleash the witchdoctor to the soldiers. This is the point from where the general and IG will start taking note of any emotional changes in their boys.
Those who profusely sweat out after seeing the witchdoctor will be allowed time to confess instead of putting everyone through the unnecessary trouble of an elaborate ritual.
Dressed in monkey skin attire and waving a flywhisk, the Daktary shall descend upon them like a bolt from the blue making them shake in their boots.
“Wangwana!” he shall scream out at them, “If you walked into Westgate carrying a gun and left the place with a Nakumatt paper bag you have one chance to confess before I make you chew grass like Museveni’s cows.”
At the mention of grass, the soldiers ‘wataanza kutazamana’ (looking at one another) like the disciples of Jesus when they heard a traitor was amongst them. That is when the lily-livered one will start spilling the beans on their colleagues.
“Daktary woiye, why are you picking on us yet we did not loot?” one man will moan.
“All we did Daktary was window shop the displays in the jewellery store,” one of them will claim.

         Line up

“Tosha!” Daktary will bellow, “All of you line up and take a cup of my special herbal concoction from Loliondo and we shall soon determine the thieves.”
They will line up in single file. No sooner shall some take a sip of the potent medicine than they will get down on all fours and start mowing the lawn of the parade ground with their mouths.
Since the Loliondo man is not a joke, others might even bleat like goats while they are at it. It will be quite a spectacle to see, gentlemen of the disciplined forces crawling about eating grass.
To ensure that the disciplined forces do not get embarrassed, the exercise should be conducted in-house, away from the prying eyes of the media so that Kenyans don’t get to see an actual house cleaning exercise of the uniforms.
The only problem, however, is that someone will probably leak footage of the grazing to KTN’s  Jicho Pevu and The Inside Story.
And what a hoot that story would make as Nakumatt decides to set up shop in Timbuktu away from al-Shabaab.