Peace is not a guest in my house. We had paid for bliss in the form of school fees only for teachers to down their tools at the most inconvenience of times.

After reports that the legendary Mollis is masquerading as a doctor operating a clinic in Gomorrah, I cannot help but wonder whether he has laid hands on my dear wife.

Weather reports indicate that unscrupulous winds are blowing sweet clouds of sugar from the land of matoke.

Now that comrades at the University of Nairobi have issued an ultimatum on the visit by US President Barack Obama later this month, I suppose the rest of us had better look busy. Obama is coming.

This Central Bank Governor designate Pato must be one of a man; the dawa we require so bad especially at a time when the shilling is losing to the dollar.

It was love at first sight, when a full-blooded Ugandan man and a thoroughbred Ugandan woman met at a bar in the country’s Mukono District.

It is difficult to keep up with the changing faces of traffic by-laws in this city. Just the other day, the county government of his Excellency Evans Omuga Kidesh announced the abolition of roundabouts.

I have never won a lottery. Not that I do not participate in promotions like Bonyeza, but simply because I was born unlucky.

There are those times when a man’s dignity is worth more than the food his wife serves him at dinner. Gentlemen, whenever I start waxing philosophical, know that I am getting inspiration from none other than Michelle.

I have always had a sneaky feeling that Michelle did not excel in the fashion course she was pursuing with gusto last year. Or maybe she got caught up in the web of fake diplomas flooding downtown Nairobi.

I may not be too digital, especially if they measure progress with the new fad by the name of Share a Coke.

Michelle may not be a Kilimani mum, but as they say, home is where the heart is. This woman’s heart and soul are so against men that she secretly jubilates whenever a misfortune befalls a comrade.

Now that interested parties are abandoning their Karen land titles like rats jumping from a sinking ship, I have a feeling that at the rate at which this is happening, there might not be bona fide claimants by the time this thing blows over and I have informed my better half that we are next in line to claiming ownership of the land.

I too have been a client of a church that requires faithful to show commitment to the lord through ‘kupanda mbegu’ in the form of sending Sh310 to an Mpesa number.

Enemies of male authority in my house have regrouped to rally support for a referendum to devolve more cash for domestic misuse.

They say that when the wolf, even in sheepskin disguised as clothes, was questioned about his occupation, he meekly answered that he was a competent shepherd.

The more than 600 people who came all the way from Migori to offer Ole Jomo an apology are a sign that the country is preparing for the return of the messiah.

“Serikali Tafadhali!” was my reaction to an ex who sent me a text threatening “Chota ama uanikwe Dead beat.” Being a streetwise dude, I immediately understood that she meant if I did not pay my child support arrears, I would be exposed.

Praise the Lord! Effective today, I have decided to stop wrestling with the divine spirit of the Lord. When I was young, I frustrated the Sunday school teacher, (may the Lord bless the soul of Sister Margaret) till she referred to me as Pepo Muchafu in a fit of anger.

You have no idea how badly we missed you, Baba. I voted for you and will do so again. Just make sure you are the presidential candidate and not a bullfighter from Ikolomani.

I am told that there is a fortune to be made from foretelling the future. What people do not know is that this is a science that can be exploited to make life livable.

As I mentioned last week, I made several important contacts with illegal immigrants when I was a guest of the State at Kasarani Sports Stadium Police Station.

Even as all other businesses are crumbling, churches are thriving in spite of the wave of terrorism sweeping the country. We know that even as other businesses suffer the consequences of advisories against the Government and the people of Kenya as a result of fraternising with their Somali neighbours, pastors are still growing fat.

After looking through Michelle’s house budget, I came to the conclusion that we have to adopt some austerity measures so that we can save something for development.

After our quail project failed to take off, my wife and I cut our losses and decided to invest in another venture that would guarantee that we would not get thrown out by the landlord.

We have a new Registrar at the Judiciary by the sweet name of Anne Atieno Amadi. An accomplished African like Timbuktu who scored straight A’s in Literature remembers the name Amadi quite well.

There was no way I was going to fit into a crowd of people who prefer fake names and pass of 10-year-old photos of themselves on social media.

CORD is disgruntled with Ole Jomo for appointing a tribunal of ‘wolves’ to investigate the conduct of ‘lambs.’ I beg to differ that lambs are being subjected to obvious persecution because the JSC cannot claim to be ‘weupe kama pamba’. (as white as cotton).

There is a free classifieds site that Kenyans are yet to make use of fully. It goes by the fancy name of OLX . I got the idea to dump my excess baggage through the site when a drunk partner, swearing after taking one too many Mututhos, would sell his mother- in- law here.

The Nyumba Kumi initiative is going to be my avenue to untold riches. I am an educated Kenyan with a degree unlike most of my neighbours. It is upon me to organise my community and implement this new idea.

Who would have thought that one day the government would have to deploy the deadly Recce Squad to patrol the streets of Nairobi because of runaway insecurity?

The country at the moment is attracting so much global attention that if by chance Jesus were descending from heaven, he would be forced to land in Kenya.

There’s only one foolproof way of ensuring that victims of the wanton looting that was the Westgate fiasco get full compensation while the thieves get exposed for their heinous crime.