Why Kenya is Africa’s business hub

By TED MALANDA

I was amused to learn that someone somewhere dreams that Botswana is the most business friendly country in Africa.  What baloney.

This is part of a sinister conspiracy by our political detractors, one that has even seen our neighbours Uganda claim to be more corrupt than we are.

Anyone with eyes must have noticed how easy it is to do business here. If, for instance, your business is mass murder, you would never find a more welcoming destination.

In the spirit of our new Constitution, getting false identification papers has been devolved from Nyayo House to River Road, Wajir and so forth. With one call, a Swiss national, who is white as snow, can be transformed into Ouma Japolo.

The process of bringing guns into the country has been so simplified that you can even stockpile the hardware over three months without anyone bothering you. In fact, the askaris will smile, and salute, saying, “Karibu sana boss,” as you saunter in daily with six grenades hidden in your socks.

Hardware

But if you want to murder even more people, all you need to do is acquire a handcart with worn out tyres, paint a yellow line on it, declare it a PSV and hit the road. For a driver, pick any bleary-eyed fellow with a criminal record and install him behind the wheel. Trust me, we will bend over backwards to encourage you to kill as many people as you can.

If, however, you aren’t such a bad person and only want to steal stolen vehicle spare parts, of course, we will assist you by allowing street urchins and carjackers to supply the merchandise. The market, by the way, is ready.

Alternatively, just spread your onions and tomatoes anywhere and we will declare that site Soko Mjinga and employ city council askaris to beat you up and revenue collectors to pick coins from you daily.

Kenya hakuna matata.