By Ted Malanda - The Standard

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NEWS & CURRENT AFFAIRS

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By Ted Malanda

Tale of the last nomad

On a good evening, when my grandfather Ibrahim, son of the king’s bodyguard, nephew of the legendary Wanga fighting army general Kongoti, scion of skinny warriors, had fortified his belly with fermented brew, he would take to singing the fiery war songs of his ancestors.

By By TED MALANDA 10 years ago

Tale of the last nomad

Revisiting the charade at the gravesite

Revisiting the charade at the gravesite

By By TED MALANDA 10 years ago

Our cast of heroes explains our poverty

Our cast of heroes explains our poverty

By By TED MALANDA 10 years ago

Folly of salivating for presidential jobs

Folly of salivating for presidential jobs

By By TED MALANDA 10 years ago

To those who won’t celebrate Christmas

There is something such as being too clever and that’s probably what happened to me when I quit my nice teaching job for greener pastures.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

To those who won’t celebrate Christmas

No bed of roses for unmarried women

If senior bachelors thought life was hard, they should ask their sisters who never got hitched.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

No bed of roses for unmarried women

Eligible bachelor? You are the village curse!

If there is one thing elders frown upon, it is a man who has refused, or for one reason or other, is unable to put a woman in the house.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Eligible bachelor? You are the village curse!

‘Omena’ by any other name would smell same

I had dinner at this fancy Italian restaurant on Ngong’ Road last Saturday. They served Termitoidae as a starter, but I chose to pass because it didn’t look crispy enough for my tastes.

By By Ted Malanda 11 years ago

‘Omena’ by any other name would smell same

How devolution kills families

The young may not know that not too long ago, everyone bathed in the river. We were so proud of our bodies that we stripped naked before the entire village, even when there was nothing to write home about our assets.

By BY TED MALANDA 11 years ago

How devolution kills families

Witchdoctors too, collect seed money

When you are a successful citizen, with a lovely wife with fertile eggs, smart children, money in the bank, a good car and you are in excellent health, you don’t visit pastors for miracles.

By BY TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Witchdoctors too, collect seed money

Is your daughter safe in your country?

Barely a week after pastor TD Jakes had called us ‘natives’ who survive on his borehole, another American rubbed another insult into the wound.

By BY TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Is your daughter safe in your country?

If you want to live long, avoid women in pubs

Last Friday, I left the office late, worn out like a dog, and decided to take a detour to my local to ‘detox’ my weary bones with a stiff shot of whisky.

By BY TED MALANDA 11 years ago

If you want to live long, avoid women in pubs

Ole Lenku should tighten Nyumba Moja first

I hear the government wants us to love our neighbours, a policy that is bound to excite bachelors who have been trying without success to whistle at the snobbish lass with wriggling bottoms in the upstairs flat.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Ole Lenku should tighten Nyumba Moja first

A letter to my governor

I know it is unlikely that His Excellency Daktari David Nkedienye, the Nabongo of Kajiado County, reads this column.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

A letter to my governor

Why Kenya is Africa’s business hub

I was amused to learn that someone somewhere dreams that Botswana is the most business friendly country in Africa. What baloney.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Why Kenya is Africa’s business hub

Thank goodness we have by-elections

It would be in order to observe a moment of silence for politicians who recently lost their seats through election petitions, and those whose appeals were dismissed by the courts for lack of evidence.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Thank goodness we have by-elections

Rats came, but we have hyenas in our house too

At the height of last week’s Westgate hostage crisis, when all of us were glued to social media for the latest rumour, a Ugandan Facebook friend posted something on social media that summed up how we all felt.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Rats came, but we have hyenas in our house too

A day filled with gossip for barbers and salonists

I went for a haircut at my usual barbershop but the barber was nowhere in sight. His workmate phoned him and he trotted in, one hand hitching up his pair of jeans to cover his yellow boxers, which he had pulled up to his armpits.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

A day filled with gossip for barbers and salonists

Paying for my father’s sins via State’s ten per cent

Sometimes, I feel like I have been working for the government all my life. In one month, what the government takes from in taxes is more money than I give my father in six years.

By By Ted Malanda 11 years ago

Paying for my father’s sins via State’s ten per cent

Kenya and the recruit thief constable

The problem with Kenyans is that we get too excited about the latest big newsbyte, forgetting that the big news splash is rooted on an event that occurred decades ago, but which no one recalls.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

Kenya and the recruit thief constable

Jesus! Don’t you open Pandora’s box, Indidis

Those who have eaten salt will recall Dola Indidis, attorney at law, the one time police and Judiciary spokesman who memorably dismissed the then government spokesman as a busybody.

By By Ted Malanda 11 years ago

Jesus! Don’t you open Pandora’s box, Indidis

You must travel to understand Kenyans

Last month, I received summons to appear before a court of sorts in my village of birth. No, no — stop getting ideas. I’m far too old to break someone’s daughter’s leg, having long retired in the public interest.

By By TED MALANDA 11 years ago

You must travel to understand Kenyans

Why the easiest place to get murdered is the village

I spent a couple of days in the village recently, right at the time when thugs were holding villages hostage and slashing people in Bungoma and Busia, which are not too far from my home.

By By Ted Malanda 11 years ago

Why the easiest place to get murdered is the village

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