10 side-hustles for Nairobi watchies

An African security guard. (Courtesy)

If you want to know who sleeps with who at your flat, just befriend the night guard. He also knows who is broke and whose stima imekatwa and who sneaks in langas at 3am. He also knows which flavour of condoms the guy in house number 20 prefers. But those who guard business premises in the city centre are special. They see stuff and most times keep mum so as not to mwaga unga. Here are 10 things night shift security guards will tell you about when they’re drunk.

1. The colour of hooker’s ngotha

City hookers and security guard are joined at the hip. Flesh peddling happens at a night club or in the cold streets and to change from normal to nguo za biashara means building relationships with watchies to allow them change in seconds before whistling for clients along City Hall or Kaunda Street.

2. Tufungulie biashara soldier

Like number two above, the aforementioned friendship extends to watchie blessing business on ‘dry’ days. See, there is belief among hookers that when business is not picking, especially towards dawn, trusted watchie must ‘open the way’ for customers bila kulipa...this is also payment for keeping their stuff before they change again and hop in matatu to Umoja, Banana, Zimmerman and Dandora.

3. Lungula kwa basement

Those without money for lodging have to bribe the aforementioned soldier so as to kula mtu at the parking lot, basement or toilet through kufunika guard macho to keep vigil before all parties part ways smiling. Cops are notorious for coitus interruptus, you know.

4. Pimping for mhesh

Night ‘soldiers’ are good at pimping ‘yellow yellow’ langas for randy waheshimiwa out for chips funga along city streets. And watchies do know the time mkubwa arrives thus alerting langa Njeri to “ingia kwa ile gari.”

5. Mganga kutoka Tanga

Some business people use juju to flock customers to their shops, restaurants, salons or even boutiques but the best time to treat such places is at night when night shift watchie lazima apate ya macho to keep mum.

6. Kumbe ni under 18

Lodgings don’t allow underage girls to be sneaked in by sponsors lest they lose credibility or be nabbed by the long arm of the law. The task of checking ID cards is left to watchies who have no option but kufunga macho when tipped by a loaded sponsor out to haribu mtoto wa wenyewe.

7. Eat and run

There is a muhindi who’s fond of ‘opening boots’ in his car but before paying the men he requests them to push his car before zooming off. This brings needed relief for lonely guards sometimes tipped to keep mum.

8. Keeping siri kubwa

If you are politician and your wife is being chewed by a Congolese musician in a hotel room trust me you will never know as the watchie is tipped to keep siri kubwa ibaki siri.

9. Covering for celebs

You heard of the television celeb who was thrown out of a city club uchi wa mnyama after peeing on herself? Well, her face was saved by security guards who covered her body only for CCTV footage to reveal the truth months later.

10. Decent men ‘eating’ chokosh

Have you wondered who impregnates mentally ill women or grown up female chokoras? Well, night guards have witnessed descent men squeezing these women on walls or dark alleys before dropping Sh50 and melting into the night in their cars.