Pulling out of a traumatic loss

Depiction of a sad African-American woman. [Courtesy, iStockphoto]

When the unfathomable happens, that sudden, brutal or utterly unexpected loss of someone you hold dear, you realise that life is not linear. You feel blindsided by an occurrence that offers no logic or preparation whatsoever.

The grief can’t be quantified as the trauma leaves you grappling not only with profound sorrow, but also with shock, disbelief, and an unsettling sense that your reality has been altered forever.

As soon as that happens, there is this strong, often misguided, impulse to power through, especially if you have dependents like children or younger siblings.

There is also the pressure to return to work, maintain appearances, and push the overwhelming emotions aside in an effort to regain some semblance of control as your friends and family tell you "jikaze".

However, this suppression, which shows up as a survival mechanism, ultimately hinders the necessary process of mourning. Grief, in this case, traumatic grief, demands to be acknowledged, felt, and processed even when you feel the urge to resist.

You must allow yourself to feel that unfiltered pain, and here’s why: there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Permit yourself to go through the emotional rollercoaster of anger, despair, numbness, confusion, etc, without judgment. Remember that tears are not a sign of weakness, nor is a moment of lightness a betrayal.

While the natural instinct might be to pull away and withdraw, now is actually the time to connect with trusted friends, family, or colleagues who understand, as they too could be going through the same thing.

It may also be a wise move to join a grief support group where shared experiences offer profound validation. For traumatic loss, professional psychological support will prove invaluable in navigating complex emotions and processing the event itself.

While your usual routines may become impossible, try to maintain small, consistent anchors in your day. A morning walk, for instance, can be the interruption you needed to take a break from the painful reality.

These simple rituals can provide a fragile sense of normalcy amidst the chaos.

It’s important to understand that coping with traumatic loss is not about getting over the pain but rather integrating it into your life in a way that allows for continued growth.

This concept of adapting in the face of adversity is central to the work of experts like Dr George Bonanno, a leading researcher on grief and trauma. From his extensive studies, he has found that human beings possess an innate capacity for resilience, making them adaptable to maintaining a stable and healthy functioning over time despite highly challenging circumstances.