Birds and bees: Giving your children 'the talk'

Family with teenage children eating in the kitchen. (Courtesy/istockphoto)

Studies show children teenagers, and young adults want to talk with their parents or carers about issues around sexuality, sex and relationships, topics that are considered in the African context as mystical and taboo. 

Lisa Wanjiro, a family counsellor says these conversations are not the kind of discussion that is common in family discussions, mostly due to stereotyping and mysteries surrounding them. 

“However, the truth of the matter is that parents and carers can encourage open and honest conversations with their children about relationships, sex and sexuality as early and as often as possible,” says Wanjiro. 

Petronella Munyasia attests to this perspective. Growing up in the 80s, she remembers the challenges she went through because of discussions on the topic of sexuality sex and even dating (relationships were “a quiet taboo” in not only her immediate family, but the large family unit of uncles and aunties). 

“Such discussions were forbidden even among siblings, and since we did not catch our mom and dad discussing it either, we grew up thinking one could face dire consequences if they indulged in the discussions,” says Petronella. 

She says the only time they got to discuss these topics were in school. 

When the siblings visited their grandmothers, she indulged them in topics in whether the girls had started their menstrual cycle, or hilariously checked on the boys – if they had grown a beard.

“Our grandmother would take us to a corner and inquire if we had started ‘seeing the moon’ (menstrual circle), and for the boys, she would make them talk continuously to check if they had broken their voices into manhood,” she remembers. 

Francis Mungai, a father of four adult men, says boys had an easier way to discuss the “forbidden topics” because some traditions, like his kikuyu tradition, allowed boys to have man-to-man discussions from their teenage years. 

“Occasionally, the boys in the family would have time to interact with their uncles and elders of the clan where they would be taught things about sexuality, men as head of the family, dating, courting, and the place of a family in the clan, community, and society,” says Mungai. 

Petronella recollects the challenges she went through during her menstrual and puberty season – the many days she had to keep off school every month due to embarrassment and the challenges she faced silently when her body “started behaving in a manner that sent me completely off-guard.”

When she inquired from her mother and aunt, the response she got was “Keep off boys and men if you want to finish school” without any explanation. 

Years, later, her sister would drop out of school when she got pregnant, a secret she kept to herself until she delivered a baby girl. 

The counsellor explains that many of the things that go wrong with girls dropping out of school due to pregnancy, and boys (men), not taking responsibility, divorce, and other family issues, point to a lack of knowledge on matters related to sexuality, sex and relationships. 

“These conversations are referred to as sex education, having ‘the talk’, or talking about ‘the birds and the bees’, says Wanjiro, adding that the conversation goes beyond this.

Having open and honest discussions where young people can receive accurate information about bodies, relationships, sex, and sexuality helps them make safer choices in adulthood. 

The counsellor says many adults are unsure how to start, or may feel uncomfortable having these conversations.

“Avoiding the subject will not stop children being curious about their body changes, young people from having sex, being in relations, and the point is to help them navigate these seasons in their lives safely,” says the expert. 

Open communication, she says, also allows adults to raise issues about their values.

Expert tips

Start conversations early in childhood and keep talking. Keep conversations casual about relationships, sex, sexuality and relationships. The conversations do not have to be formal. Integrate these topics into any conversation, so it becomes a normal part of life. 

Young people often want short, direct answers to their questions. They can ask more questions as they arise. 

How to start conversations by using cues

Use news, current affairs, social media, advertising, song lyrics, books, television and movies as cues to start a conversation. 

Children learn about relationships, sex and sexuality from the moment they are born. Young children get messages from adults about their bodies. This includes words to describe their body parts and functions concepts about public and private body parts and behaviours. 

Do not wait for your child to ask questions, be proactive and begin the conversation. Use open-ended questions like, ‘What do you think you would do in that situation?’ 

Work on principles

Many adults feel awkward or unsure when talking with young people about sex. Confidence comes with time and practice. 

Start conversations early and keep talking as your child gets older. Be the one they ask for advice. Answer questions as simply and directly as possible, and keep the conversations casual. 

Use cues around you, and be ready to talk about diversity of gender and sexuality. 

Start by teaching your children about rights and consent (e.g. they are the boss of their body and they get to say what goes). 

Let them learn at an early age that they have the right to choose which parts of their body are public, which could be dictated by factors such as preference, culture or religion

Let them also learn about parts of their bodies that no one has permission to see or touch, whether in public or private places. 

Help them learn accurate names for private body parts.

Teach them and help them explore where to get help from people they trust when they are scared, worried, or feel unsafe. 

Establishing ground rules at home

Most young people will become sexually active at some stage. Establish ground rules about sexual behaviour in your home.

The best time to decide on these rules is when you are talking openly about sex and before the situation arises. 

Finally, Wanjiro advises parents to encourage their child or children to talk with their doctor about sexual health. 

“Doctors can be a trustworthy source of information about relationships, sex, pregnancy, and STIs, so the next time you take your child for a doctor visit, ask if they’d like to spend a few minutes alone with the doctor to ask questions,” says the counsellor.