How to love a broken and lost spouse

A broken and lost spouse is one who has lost his/her way and resigned from life, perhaps because of being fired from work, retrenchment, trying hard to find a job but nothing coming through, miscarriage (people deal with the loss of a child differently), betrayal by parents and friends, unfair treatment at the work place or place of worship, mid-life crisis, recurring past wounds such as rape, feelings of being a failure due to unfulfilled goals and dreams, emptiness brought about by sacrificing once dreams for the children (this happens a lot with wives), illness or an accident that takes them many steps back.

The truth of the matter is that life has many ups and downs. The blows of life can make any of us broken or lost. So how do you deal with a spouse who you see has changed and is no longer excited about life?

1. Know that marriage is for better or worse. Your spouse's struggle are your struggles.

2. Remember you are your spouse's best friend. In most cases, you are all your spouse has got.

3. Seek to understand your spouse. Most broken and lost people feel misunderstood and this frustrates them even more especially when their spouse just does not get it.

4. Ask yourself how would you like someone to handle you if you are the one who was broken and lost.

5. Allow your spouse to express his/her feelings. Don't be insensitive or belittle the battles they facing.

6. Spend more time listening than giving advice. Sometimes a listening is all someone needs.

7. Don't force your spouse to have sex or get angry when they are not interested. Sex is usually the last thing on the mind of a broken and lost person.

8. Touch him/her more. Hug and rub the hand. This makes your spouse feel reassured.

9. Don't add to the pressure. Don't make things even more difficult through arguments and fights. Be peaceful, a safe haven.

10. Feel empathy but don't baby sit your spouse. Your spouse needs someone to understand, not someone to treat him/her like a delicate baby who knows nothing in life. Maintain the dignity of his/her adulthood.

11. Speak life to your spouse. Lovingly counter the negative thoughts he/she has.

12. Praise and compliment your spouse, don't say things that make him/her feel like a loser.

13. Pray for your spouse. Let him/her hear you praying.

14. Go out for walks. Go out on dates. Form new experiences. Talk about other things apart from the issue. Have a good laugh.

15. Find something that interests him/her and engage in conversations about that often.

16. Spend more time together, even if it is in silence. The more you are there, the less he/she will be tempted to escape through alcohol, drugs and porn.

17. Play some worship music in the house to calm his/her spirit.

18. Help him/her to get back to their feet. Help in looking for a job, invest in a business for your spouse, help come up with a plan. Get your spouse to focus on personal growth, not the marriage or children.

19. Find a simple project you can do together and execute it. This will give him/her a success story as a confidence booster.

20. Encourage him/her when your spouse tries but fails. Show that you are there.

21. Be patient. Healing takes time.

22. Don't talk to your spouse as if you are doing him/her a favour or in a manner to suggest he/she is a burden to you.

23. Say "I love you" often. Express love.

24. Use this as an opportunity to make your union stronger.

All the best. Love never fails.

© Dayan Masinde

In my new book, MANHOOD SERIES, I walk with men towards understanding themselves and help women to understand men.

In my other new book, WOMANHOOD SERIES, I walk with women towards understanding themselves and help men to understand women. 
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To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.

To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.