How to deal with toxic people in life

God has called us to be relational by loving him and one another. The cross illustrates this by showing that we relate with God vertically and with people horizontally.

If you don’t relate with people life becomes drudgery, difficult and horrible. People bring joy to us; we laugh with and share our dreams with them. The Bible says: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” (1 John 4:7-11). 

Handling toxic family members is a difficult and sensitive matter that we often find ourselves grappling with. Sometimes when we try to love and relate with others, it can get toxic because the other person spites you and makes it difficult.

This is not a case where a person irritates you once in a while; because this is normal. It is rather the constant, persistent and intentional irritation. Toxic people are dangerous mainly because they do not wear ‘signage’ with which one can identify them with. 

One fact about toxic relationships is that we have toxic family members. They do not celebrate you or like you; they tolerate you because you are family and rejoice when you go down. Relationships are strained with these kinds of people around you.

An example is found in the book of Genesis, the case of two brothers Cain and Abel. When Abel had worshipped and offered an acceptable sacrifice to God, Cain was jealous and decided to kill him.

Imagine if a simple act of worship can cause one family member to kill another; how much more can a better job, school, house or car? Toxicity attacks success!

Toxic people are jealous and this can lead them to kill. Joseph was so loved by his father, who made him a lovely coat of many colours. This made his brothers so jealous of him that they plotted to get rid of him.

Another fact is that all toxic relationships are not equal. Some people are more toxic and some situations linger longer than others.

This can be likened to a Cobra versus Green snake venom toxicity levels.

There are some people you encounter and they injure and hurt you so deeply (cobra toxicity). Determine the kind of toxicity you are dealing with to know how to get out of that relationship.

How do you deal with toxic people? First, pray for strength to accept your limitations and weaknesses. Do not make any assumptions about your capacity to handle toxic people or situations.

Jesus knew his limitations and he would often withdraw himself from toxic people and situations. The Bible likens us to jars of clay which are fragile and delicate. You cannot make someone else change their mind.

Second, ask God to help you forgive those who have wronged or hurt you. This does not mean what they did was right; forgiveness means letting go and allowing God to deal with it.

Do not plot revenge or hold on to the grudge because it will destroy you.

“Then Peter came to him and said, Lord how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22). To forgive without God’s help is impossible!

Third, change your thinking about toxic people and situations. Toxic people can make you insecure, and make you lose self-confidence because of what they did or said to you.

Do not pretend it did not happen; rather, change your mind and move on however hurt you were. If you do not change your mind, it will affect and bring you down, making you fall into their trap.

Fourth, be free in your heart to accept God’s unconditional love. Our relationships are full of pretences, misunderstandings, problems and toxicity. After all the accusations and hurt toxic people may bring you; choose to open your heart and accept God’s love. This is the only perfect relationship that we can count on.

We know and rely on the love God has for us because there is no fear in love.

Bishop David Muriithi

Founder & Overseer

House of Grace International Ministries