Why some men can't handle rejection from women

By virtue of ours being a patriarchal society, male dominance has been known to know no bounds. It is a cavemen mindset that some men still hang onto dearly, in the 21st century.

Such men have this outdated mindset that does not allow them to imagine women, pardon the pun, on top of men, in anything. To such men, women are (and should be) inferior and powerless. An attempt to, for instance, reject a man’s advances is deemed as rebellion or an attempt to challenge men’s power and dominance.

For a woman to try and make a choice contrary to such men’s expectations by, for instance, turning down their advances, she is seen as trying to challenge the man’s power, thus has to be subjected to dire consequences.

Snide remarks

“Kwenda uko, Malaya wewe (to hell with you, prostitute). You are not as cute as you think! In fact, I was just saying ‘hi’, it’s not like it’s a marriage proposal!” Such are some of the snide remarks some women have been subjected to after rejecting the said unrefined and unhinged men.

Mark you, these are men who have not necessarily dated the women they vent their anger on. These are women they have merely tried to seduce or date unsuccessfully. Many women are victims of this backward mentality.

Tales have been reported of men who kill women because of rejection. For instance, a 93-year-old French man killed a (married) 82-year-old woman after she rejected him. The man had apparently developed a crush on her, and when he requested her to visit him as her husband was away for some days, she refused.

Bruised ego

The man’s ego was bruised, and went to the woman’s house, beat her up and killed her. When questioned by the authorities, he said he was “teaching her lesson for she had made him feel like a fool” (you know how honest most of these people are).

A tale is told of a woman in Vietnam who was recently waylaid and acid poured in her face by an admirer who had unsuccessfully tried ‘tuning’ her. The man was on a motorbike as he poured the acid. Locals pursued and caught up with him, and upon being presented in court, he confessed that indeed the woman had turned him down, telling him she was already engaged to another man.

 And as recently as three weeks ago, the Indian media reported of an unfortunate case in which a ‘stalker’ was arrested after he burned a woman, who rejected him, with acid in his desperate attempts to force her to drink it. This was before he pushed her into the sea.

Finally fired

Closer home, Nancy Okinda told this writer about her friend who was first demoted, then fired under unclear circumstances, only to find out much later that rejecting her boss’s sexual advances had necessitated her sack. “Apparently, her boss had been hitting on her.

Never mind her boss was a married man. But when she turned him down, he reacted with fury and even threatened to fire her. But that was not to happen soon. Days passed, months passed but her work relationship with her boss dangerously deteriorated to a point where they were not communicating verbally; he used to communicate to her via email, even though their offices were housed in the same building,” narrates Ms Okinda. 

This state of affairs went on for a while, and before long, Okinda was fired. “As women we yearn for attention from men but at times, this attention can land you in trouble, especially when you have a rogue boss. Some have very poor wooing skills, and you could be single and willing but then again the approach is at times wrong, with some wanting you by force, and in the process putting you off,” adds Ms Okinda.

Not long ago, our sister newspaper The Nairobian, published a tale about a born-again county assembly speaker in a county in Eastern Kenya who was unseated by her male colleagues after she refused “to be nice”. Apparently, most of her male colleagues had tried to unsuccessfully hit on her, and decided to conspire and vent their anger by passing a motion of no confidence in her.   

Lecturer’s wrath

A couple of years ago, Kate Kawira, a marketer, faced the wrath of her university lecturer after she turned him down. The lecturer, who, she says, had (and still has) a greedy fascination for the forbidden fruit, tried to seduce her. But seeing as the man was not only her teacher, but had also gained notoriety for engaging in gland-to-gland combats with his students, she told him off.

“The guy had a bad ‘CV’, and had been rumoured to have slept with most of his female students for marks,  so I rejected him. But little did I know that was to haunt me later. I failed his course, and he forced me to retake it,” reveals Kawira.

She proceeds to tell this writer how such cases are rampant at universities. “I am not alone. There are so many women who have gone through cases. Do a spot check in these local universities; there is always a rogue lecturer who wants students by force. Failure to which, they fail them exams.”

Facebook admirer

In this day and age of social media, men are wont to make advances to women through the social networks. Many have always had an easy time with some women on Facebook, Twitter and other social sites and imagine such is (or should be) the case with all women.

When someone rejects their advances, they resort to cyber bullying, and insulting such women by writing rubbish on their walls. Social media has slowly become the best option for men who cannot take rejection lying down, to hit at their target. They turn dirty online in their rush to have the last laugh by embarrassing or revenging, because to them rejection is tantamount to an assault.

Shout insults

“Some go as far as besmirching  your name and spreading false rumours about you. Others want you to respond to their greetings – by force. When a man says ‘Hi’, where is it written that a woman must reply? And when you don’t reply to their ‘Hi’, even in the streets, they shout insults at you,” says Natasha*, who has also fallen victim to unrefined men on social media whom she refers to as ‘cavemen’.

Not long ago, Lynette Kabura had an ugly encounter on Facebook. It all started when a man who apparently had a crush on her sent her naughty message laced with sexual undertones. “Just because he had read a naughty comment I had made on a friend’s status, he imagined I’m one of those loose Facebook women. He began sending me dirty stuff, telling me how flexible I look and about the acrobatics he would subject me to if he were to meet me,” she says.

Ms Kabura suspects he may have fallen in love with her Facebook profile pictures. She avoided the man and blocking him from her wall, but in a strange turn of events, he opened another account through which he began tormenting her. Some 15 fifteen unanswered messages later, the ‘pervert’ understood the writing on the wall, he was not wanted.

He stopped sending her messages and kept off commenting on her status for a while. Then one day, out of the blues, the man wrote a long tirade on Ms Kabura’s wall in which he abused and scandalised her.

 “He called me a few unprintable things and wrote me off saying I would never get a husband, unless I go looking for a retired old man,” says Lynette.

Patriarchal environment

Anthony Muhoto, a psychologist, argues that most men react this way because they have been brought up in extremely patriarchal environments. “Most of such men have been brought up in social set-ups where women always play second fiddle. So, having an opinion that goes against his, rejection in this case, is viewed as an attempt to challenge his ‘power’, thus they hit back hard,” says Mr Muhoto.

He proceeds to explain that rejection to such men is the worst form of humiliation as it not only hurts their feelings, but also sort of dents their manly image.

“In their desperate bid to sort of reclaim their dominance and mend their ‘tainted’ or dented macho image, they resort to expressing their displeasure and rage in rather anti-social ways,” he adds.

The expert further advises women to be very careful whenever they get the slightest hint of such men. When rejecting such men, women are advised to be very diplomatic.

“You can always notice such men by keenly observing them. They are poorly socialized. They, for instance, talk with a lot of finality and bang tables for emphasis when talking.

 Such men must be put off nicely and avoided at all costs, or else they might express their rage in rather violent and ‘neanderthal’ ways.