My three-year-old son prefers to sleep in our househelp’s room rather than his own. She is a very hardworking and reliable maid and has brought up our daughter, who is now nine years old, as well. Both my children love and appreciate her very much. My husband and I have demanding jobs and thus have to rely on outside help to raise the children. If he were a girl I wouldn’t worry so much, but I am concerned about this attachment. My husband thinks we should fire her and get someone else, but I would really feel guilty about such a decision. Are we being too paranoid as parents?

Hannah, Nairobi

Agony Aunt/ With Nyambura Maina

Many households have trouble finding good hired help to care for the children. More often than not, househelps are changed so regularly that it disrupts a child’s stable environment in the home. With you it seems the opposite is true and you are seemingly blessed, except for the nagging feeling encroaching your mind now because of your son’s attachment to the househelp.

Countries in the West have become adept at keeping an eye on child caregivers. By installing ‘nanny cams’ they get an extra set of eyes and ears to keep watch over their children when they (parents) are not home. Short of installing surveillance equipment in your home, your next best bet is to rely on your own intuition or sixth sense. A mother’s instincts about her child(ren) are rarely off the mark. What you are calling paranoia could actually be warning signals that you have picked up that are alerting you to something being amiss.

If you continually hear that small voice in your mind that sounds an alarm regarding the welfare of your children, trust it, listen to it and then act on it. It is better to be safe than sorry.

When a child is being sexually abused by an adult, the following signs will show up:

• change in appetite

• child becomes withdrawn

• bedwetting

• performance in school is affected

• regressive behaviour

• talking about or acting out sexually beyond what is considered normal sex play for his/her age

Look out for any of the above signs in your son just to be double sure.

Common counsel

When the cat’s away the mouse will play

It is difficult to trust housemaids because most of them are not well educated. What they do when you are not around can really be shocking. If you are having doubts, then you should get rid of the maid. There are many other maids willing to work. In other homes, children can go through more than 10 maids during their childhood, so you should not feel guilty.

Angela, 28

Cut down on work

Hannah, you have every reason to be worried. First, by your own admission, since your jobs are very demanding, you do not spare enough time for your son. That is why he is seeking companionship from your house help. Already, he believes the maid is his mother! Second, sooner or later, your son will realise this maid is not his mother or sister. Maybe, your maid has already started teaching your innocent son some games for grownups. Very soon, you will have a son who knows the other many values for a woman. Sacking the maid at that point will not work as long as you will employ another. Start sparing time for your son!

Susan Wairimu

You should cut down on the amount of work outside the home. A mother’s first priority should be to her husband and children. The son is only behaving like that because you are not there. You should therefore not blame the maid, since it is your fault.

Hassan, 39

Replacement in the works

Seeing that both your children love your maid would make me very worried as a mother. It means that your househelp has become too familiar and comfortable in your home, so much so that she feels she can replace you as a mother. I would have sent her packing long ago. It is unacceptable that such behaviour is condoned in your home.

Terry, 43

Teach your children to protect themselves

Incidences of child abuse are so rampant that I decided when I get children, no lady should look after my sons and no houseboy should look after my daughters. Maybe it’s also time to talk to your children about protecting themselves from sex offenders. You must teach them so that they can look out for each other and confide in you when they feel they have been handled inappropriately.

Beatrice, 31

Bedtime ritual

If you make bedtime a pleasant event with your son — like reading bedtime stories, singing songs, making a warm glass of milk, tucking him in, kissing and hugging him, then he will want to sleep in his own bed.

Bosco, 22

Parental Attachment needed

The boy lacks parental attachment and that is why he prefers to stay with the maid even when you are around. Hannah, you and your husband are the problem here. You both need to make quality time for your son. He seems to be more familiar with the maid than with his parents! Please balance your jobs and the child since you may regret not doing so later.

Please don’t worry that sexual relations might be going on between your son and the maid since the boy is too young for that.

Doing away with your long serving maid is not the answer as you may never find another one like her. As a parent, all you need to do is train the child, and he will grow up well. No outsider can play your role. Parental love and attachment is very vital for growing children.

Rev Mwita, Tana-River