Want to coach in Kenya? Open letter to mzungu soccer coaches

 Former Gor Mahia Coach Marcelo Ze Maria recently quit his job at the club

Dear coaches,

Before you meet that representative from Kenya, please know the following.

One, Kenyan clubs have no records, no websites — and those with online presence have no updates, and the content therein has not been updated ‘since 1968! There are no references — all vital information is passed by word of mouth. Now that you are in Kenya — and having arrived as a tourist dressed in rugged jeans — purpose to visit the Nyayo National Stadium.

Take time to chat up the guy next to you for a glimpse into local clubs that you might be signing up with. Put faces to names incognito and do your background check quietly. If you choose to do this little assignment in your own way, then prepare to deal with these characters because they will litter your path.

Imposters: Chances are high that you will be meeting a broker who will not hesitate to broker you to a conman. The conman will connect you to the club scout who will then break some sweat to make sure you see the club chairman. In Kenya, agents are not registered — and most clubs prefer dealing with brokers, not formal entities. As a word of caution, try checking out details before you engage in any discussion.

Contract: Read the fine print. Do not assume that you are dealing with gentlemen, because they are not. They will short-change you at every opportunity - match bonuses, your laundry bill, garbage collection fee, motor vehicle fuel card, air ticket back home and many more, are their fodder.

Well, only a few items on the list shall be honoured. In Kenya, we do not honour our obligations, na haturingi!

Language: Our boys are not used to that Newcastle accent, which is why you will have to speak slowly, lest you lose them on the training ground. For instance, do not use the word ‘return’ in isolation.

Every time you mention it, please add the word ‘back’. That’s how it is used here in Kenya. These lads need to be told ‘clearly’ that it is the ball that is to be returned, and not the player rushing back to the coach!

Training grounds: Here, clubs change training pitches like they do clothes. You will be given a trophy if your team manage to stick to a single training ground for more than three months — that is, if they have not sacked you yet!

Did I mention that running water and toilets will be a rumour in some of these facilities? Well, now you know. Then there is the small matter of uneven playing surfaces. The good news is that Kenyan boys are used to these things.

Team line-up: Fans and club officials will help you do your job by naming the lineup, especially for a derby. The team ‘researcher’ has the final say on who should play and who should not — if the team is to win.

Club house: Almost all clubs do not have club houses. Do not expect to see a building where you can interact with players, officials or fans and enjoy a cold beer after a match. If you want to shower after training, please go ‘home’.

Review meetings are held anywhere, including the chairman’s house, or on the pitch depending on the weather. If you come with a fitness instructor in tow, please remind him that clubs do not have gyms. They pay third parties to use their gyms — and sometimes they are locked out when they default.

Probation period: It will depend on how long it takes you to win matches. Being thumped on day one is a bad sign. Ask AFC Leopards’ new coach Dorian Marin. Ingwe fans have already put him on their radar — thing may ease up only when he wins, until he wins a derby. His success or failure may be determined by that one match, the mashemeji derby.

Well, if you are hired to coach other clubs besides the big two, then be ready for a very boring season. Out of say 30 matches, you will only see crowds in four matches. The rest of the games will be played in empty stadiums, no roaring crowds, no revenue generated. The club’s management will accuse you of not producing an exciting team that can attract crowds.

National team: Our national team is called Harambee Stars. Just when you are in the middle of crafting a formation, the national team coach will ‘pinch’ your dependable players without notice. The boys will get injured out there, before being dumped on you!

Holidays: Beware, FKF does not follow the FIFA calendar. When the European season ends and coaches expect to enjoy their summer that is when we’re bang in the middle of the season. Forget your summer house in Europe and invite your family over for a trip to the Maasai Mara.

With these few tips, you can now meet the guy from Kenya who wants to recruit you. All the best, and karibu Kenya!