Should I beat my boyfriend’s mpango wa kando?

 Ensure to arrive with a close friend to record the whole drama and upload it on social media. Photo: Courtesy

Dear Uncle Ted,

I have a two-year-old baby with this guy. It’s not like we are married or anything, but he provides and we occasionally sleep over at each other’s houses. Two months ago, he got this shady chick with a flat behind and a cheap weave. Now, he has stopped coming to my place and says I can’t visit him without notice. Should I beat the woman up to teach her a lesson, or go to his place and burn his mattress?

Doreen

Girl, go to that woman’s place of work, cause a monster of a scene and twanga that boyfriend snatcher like burukenge. Don’t forget to tear her clothes into shreds and insult her evil stepmother. Remind her that she has no business stealing other women’s men and spreading sexually transmitted germs.

Also, ensure to arrive with a close friend to record the whole drama and upload it on social media. After that, go to your baby daddy’s house, pee on his mattress, shred his curtains, mix salt and sugar and pour the mixture into the bucket of cooking flour then collect all his shirts and stuff them in the toilet. Trust me, you will feel much better. You will be arrested and jailed, but this country would not have been free if our heroes had not fought for uhuru, or what do you think?