Shock as tower housing building and construction licensing authority collapses

Shock has engulfed Nairobi after a storey building that was housing a government agency responsible for overseeing and enforcing standards in the building industry collapsed. This came about following a heavy downpour in Nairobi City County. Fortunately no one was hurt as occupants of the building had all left the office to run personal errands and to tend to personal business matters during working hours.

But even though nobody was hurt, there were a lot of bruised egos and hurt feelings. Consequently, officials at the building and construction authority stonewalled and refused to speak to members of the press, citing bias.

And in the usual euphoria that greets the country after every man-made disaster where more legislation is proposed as a cure for the particular ill, the collapse of the building has seen lawmakers scurrying for yet another legislative solution.

A little bird has told this writer that MPs are now mulling a legislation that will require Kenyans to wear helmets every time they pass by a storied building. This, the legislatures claimed, is to minimise injury in case a building collapses on them.

This proposed legislation came about after revelation that the number of storied buildings at risk of collapsing far outweigh the stable ones.

The legislation proposes that anyone found not wearing a helmet near a storied building be caned or slapped before being slapped with a heavy fine or years in jail for exhibiting ‘suicidal tendencies’.

Despite there being nobody trapped inside, rescue efforts were underway to salvage the documents containing building codes and regulations.

“Those are the only copies that were available... if we don’t manage to salvage them intact, we will have lost the laws and regulations forever and they will have to be drafted again...” a source close to those leading the rescue operation said. “So no stone shall be left unturned until those documents have been safely retrieved!”

Real estate analysts were, however, divided on whether any effort should be spent salvaging the documents since construction in the country seems to have been going on without them.

“If the purpose is to have them decorate the shelves once more, then the rescue efforts should continue... otherwise it is an exercise in futility...” said one analyst.

Another source said the rescue efforts were primarily aimed at retrieving the bribes officials pocketed to look the other way when building laws and regulations were being contravened.

Since they couldn’t bank the cash to avoid suspicion, the officials are believed to have been stashing it under carpets and other places in their offices. The officials have thus demanded only people of the highest integrity be allowed to take charge of the rescue operations!

Substandard building

“Actually everyone on the rescue team has already been run through a thorough background and lifestyle audit!” said a source.

Besides the documents, it is believed the rescue teams were also trying to salvage the careers of several individuals at the agency who may have signed off on substandard work prior, during and after the construction of the building. There has thus been a public relations blitz, with all sorts of excuses being forwarded as to why the building collapsed.

There has thus been a theory being pushed that the building collapsed because of witchcraft.

“Say there were people in other government agencies who were housed in uglier buildings and they were very envious so they resorted to witchcraft,” one of the officials is understood to have suggested. Others suggested obesity be blamed for the collapse.

“Just tell them there were too many fast food restaurants and nyama choma joints around the building and the occupants of the offices weren’t very fond of the stairs!” another official is said to have opined.