We will pee on your ‘plot not for sale’ sign

 It is only here where we ‘sell’ properties that do not belong us, and then go to court to defend our ‘rights’!

I always smile, rather mischievously, whenever I come across a ‘plot not for sale’ sign. It reminds me of how difficult it can be dealing with a group of people called Kenyans. It is only here where we are audacious enough to ‘sell’ properties that do not belong us, and then go to court to defend our ‘rights’!

A columnist from neighbouring Uganda once wrote in one of the regional weekly magazines that the reason why Kenya is East Africa’s economic powerhouse is because of the ‘legal’ manner in which we handle disputes no matter how trivial they might appear to be.

He expressed his amazement at how some legal terms namely ‘caveat’ and ‘affidavit’ are so popular in Kenya, even among the illiterate, yet some of his educated friends from Uganda and Tanzania could barely define them.

In Kenya, he observed, people no longer go to the chiefs and clan heads to ‘sort out matters as brothers’. You head straight to the courts to tackle each other mundu khu mundu (man to man).

Back to plots: The piece of land may be yours alright, but as you sit there admiring the authentic title deed which you picked from Ardhi House, a more ‘enterprising’ Kenyan with a fat belly and serious connections, shall have obtained a ‘generic’ title deed from River Road and sold it to crook who is already constructing things on it.

So now you have this twisted drama where to angry people ‘own’ the plot, and the judges and lawyers must sit for very long hours and for many days or even years determining the ‘Waiganjo’ between the two of you.

Somebody is yet to muster enough resources to find out which of the three East African countries is leading in the ‘plot not for sale’ signs. But as a widely travelled Kenyan (please don’t ask me which countries I have visited), allow me to jump into this conclusion that Kenya is leading here from the front!

I find the late Wahome Mutahi’s observations about Kenyans and signs too correct to be disputed. The late humorist observed that the reason why Kenyans defy all ‘do not’ signs is because they always want to find out what will happen if they do that thing somebody is discouraging them from.

If your write: POLITE NOTICE, DO NOT STEP ON GRASS, the Kenyan in us will automatically be awakened, and our feet will start itching to establish how it feels to walk on the neatly manicured lawns.

And when you make a mistake of writing a ‘usikojoe hapa’ sign, then you have created a very big problem because our bladders will suddenly become so full that they have to be emptied at the very forbidden spot. This has made some property owners so desperate that they have resorted to use of wanganga — another Kenyan peculiarity.

I saw one recently in Kibera where the public was warned with a ‘Tupa taka taka hapa ufure!’ sign!

Anyway, to avoid the many plots-related dramas in courts, do not under any circumstances put the ‘This plot not for sale’ sign. It only serves to remind an otherwise disinterested entrepreneur that there is a ‘free’ plot somewhere.