Relatives who turn a simple visit into a home take over

If you live in an urban centre, the consequences of hosting guests, especially those who happen to be village-bred, is that the hygiene of your loo will never be the same again, at least during their entire stay! Mostly, these are people who are used to pit latrines (where once you finish your business, you walk off) or relieve themselves in bushes, and use leaves as toilet paper!

Thus, ‘toilet training’ and related etiquette is something one always considers subjecting such guests to. But then again, where does one get the courage to do so to a grown-up or, better still, an ageing citizen? Wrong use of the toilet by guests is the number one pet peeve in any household. And related tales abound. Take the case of Charles Lumiti, for instance.

Wives hate hubbies’ relatives

Lumiti tickles this writer with a tale about a guest (his cousin) he often hosts, and who always overstays his visit. “My wife is always mad at him because other than his annoying habit of postponing his departure indefinitely, he always messes up the loo.

flushing loo

“One day after confronting him as to why he always forgets to flush the toilet, he confessed that he always does but at times his waste, even after using a couple of buckets of water to send it down the drainage system, ‘defiantly’ floats around. And proceeded to blame change of diet and constipation!” giggles Lumiti.

Besides, Lumiti says his wife always has issues with his (Lumiti’s) cousin. If it’s not his smelly feet, it is something to do with his general poor hygiene. The general perception by most of those who were interviewed for this report is that visitors from the husband’s side tend to be more annoying and in the habit of overstaying, seeing as most have an inflated sense of entitlement.

Pam (not her real name), is not a happy woman. She got married over a year a go, and one of the guests who attended her wedding in Nairobi has refused to leave her house.

“My husband’s niece has pitched tent in my house since our wedding last August. We live in a  small one-bedroom house,” laments Pam. That her house doesn’t have a proper bedroom door doesn’t make the matter any better.

“The bedroom does not have an actual door but an opening covered by a curtain, so basically there is no privacy; one can hear all the activities going on in the bedroom,” says Pam.

bum around

Pam says her husband’s niece does absolutely nothing, as the couple neither has children for her to babysit nor taxing household chores. All she does is bum around, eating and watching TV all day, but still has the nerve to whine when asked to run a small errand in the house. Pam has tried to prevail upon her husband to send her packing but he always develops cold feet, fearing word might spread to other gossipy relatives.

Pam says her case is not as bad as one told to her by a friend when they recently compared notes on the matter.

never respected boundaries

Apparently, her friend’s mother-in-law once visited them and not only overstayed, but never respected boundaries.

“My friend’s mother-in-law assumed her daughter-in-law’s duties such as cooking, doing laundry, and ironing. She allegedly once ironed her son’s jeans trouser and even pleated it; something that really annoyed him.

“And even after being ‘lectured’ about ‘boundaries’ and all, she just didn’t seem to get it; she kept arguing about how her daughter-in-law and son should, in fact, appreciate and be grateful for her efforts, claiming she gives a helping hand because her daughter-in-law’s home-making skills are below par,” chuckles Pam.

It’s worse if the host lives in a smaller house or a single room partitioned with a curtain, for this can curtail certain grown-folk activities. 

Disregard for hosts’ privacy

There are two aspects Kenyans don’t care about; timing and privacy.

“In-law, sasa? aki uko wapi? Niko apa panaitwa sijui ati Ambassador Hotel si ukuje unichukue (In-law, where are you? I’m outside this hotel called Ambassadeur, come pick me)!” a nagging relative will coo on the cellphone, with no prior warning. Yes, Kenyan visitors just happen. They just arrive. Unannounced. Personal space? Privacy? And timing? Tell that to the birds, they just don’t care!

made off with house help

Tales abound of Kenyans who visit from the countryside on one mission or another, and request their relatives or in-laws for a place to sleep for a night.

Then night turns into days, days into weeks, and before you know it, weeks turn into months. And if you are not careful, if the character in question is your blood relative, months can even turn into years!

Chasing away such types is never an option, unless you are ready to have your name ‘soiled’ among your village mates and relatives back at your rural home. With kicking them out out of the question, you must tolerate them.

Jane*, a 34-year-old civil servant and mother of two has seen it all. Her husband, being a generous man, routinely houses relatives who visit the city for a myriad of reasons; those on medical referrals to the city’s best hospitals, those joining college, those in town in search of jobs and continuing students waiting for college to resume.

While she does not mind the sick, everybody else in her house grates on her nerves. She once had a terrible experience. A male relative made off with her househelp.

Familiarity breeds contempt

“See, she was the best house help I ever had. And one day a cousin of my husband came visiting. He stayed longer than necessary. Every day he invented a reason to justify his extended stay. And all along he was scheming to get away with my house help,” says Jane.

Though they have been happily married for more than four years now, his superfluous generous leaves a sour taste in her mouth. She blames it on familiarity, which, she claims, always breeds contempt.

“Relatives must remain guests. When they start getting familiar, things can go wrong. I know of female relatives who start corrupting the husband in more ways than one,” offers Jane.

Female versus male relatives

The men of the house hardly mind the relatives. Mostly because men hardly stay in the house. Their interaction with their household is limited to the morning and evening hours.

However, for women, it is always a nightmare if the guests happen to be demanding. The guests, especially those with lifestyle diseases and special dietary demands can be a bit of a strain.

Many of the women interviewed for this report said they would rather host a female visitor. They said women and girl visitors feel obliged to help with household chores in the event they overstay.

“Women can help you with house chores, can help in undoing your hair and in gossip, more so when they are not from your in-laws’ side. The in-laws are always struggling to paint you in a bad light,” argues Ruth Nyaboke, a mother of one who resides in Uthiru, Nairobi.

cannot participate in chores

Margaret Shitemesi, a fruit vendor in Uthiru, warns that female relatives pose the danger of tempting the man of the house. “Not all women, close or distant, have good intentions. Some will tempt your man and do bad things with him in your absence,” she adds.

All visits of course are fraught with danger. Male visitors are considered a burden, given they cannot participate in household chores. They are simply an extra mouth to feed. Never mind some feed like termites!

“Male visitors are worse. They feed heavily and always complain about the quality and quantity of food. They order their host’s wife around and to make matters worse, do absolutely nothing but sit around,” says Naomi Ngenga. They, she adds, can be patronising, depending on where they come from, with folks from Western and Nyanza being more likely to be chauvinistic.

“The thing with male visitors is that you have to pick after them and some of them can take your efforts for granted, like when they want you as the wife to wash their socks...,” complains Sharon Njiru*, a married journalists who has also dealt with relatives who conveniently forget that their visit is over.

fool around with host’s wife

For men, female visitors can be tempting. Stories have been told of visitors who fool around with host’s wives. And they don’t always stop there; they don’t spare the host’s daughters.

“Having teenage daughters or mature ones, and a randy male relative staying too long in your house, can be a bit of a problem. Because some men just can’t zip up,” says Paul Korir, a 40-year-old father of a 15-year-old daughter. Luckily for him, such a ‘disaster’ has never struck his home, because he never takes chances.

The most recommended method of kicking out such guests is, among many others, to be diplomatic but very firm and direct when time comes to say no - of course before you asking them to get lost! Alternatively, ask them to chip in financially or burden them with tasking household chores! Imagine some one giving you work while on holiday? They will go!