The greatest downfall of mankind

By Tony M

In the beginning, after careful planning, God made man — and called him Adam.

For a while, Adam was happy watching soccer on Saturday afternoons on ESPN (Eden Soccer Paradise Network) as he chewed his goat ribs, but then he got bored of always having to go to the ice box to get himself a beer.

And God saw that Adam was troubled and said to Lucifer (who at that time was still the Angel of Light, and not the vilified guy that he later became; sort of like Ringera when he was still on the bench):

"Let us build a device to amuse man".

"And what shall we call the device?" Lucifer asked.

"Wo-man," said the Lord.

"But isn’t the word ‘wo’ Roman for ‘sex slave of’?" asked Lucifer, concerned.

"Keep still and shut up," said the Lord. "How dare you question me?"

"This ‘woman’ will be the downfall of man," Lucifer said, and for his insubordination, he got thrown out of heaven (where he penned a celestial best seller called Men are From Mars, and Women From Hell.

Meantime, back in Eden, the Lord put Adam under the influence of a strong anaesthetic, and inspired by his goat-rib eating ways, operated on Adam by removing a rib from his left side — and made Eve.

Companion from rib

When Adam woke up, he was in awful pain from the rib job, but because he was manly, he didn’t complain. Instead, he ordered for a bottle of champagne to celebrate the creation of Eve — for she was comely and beautiful. And that was the Sunday.

And all was well on the first day, and the second, and third, fourth fifth and sixth.

But on the seventh day, which happened to fall on a Saturday, Adam wanted to watch his usual soccer but by then, Eve had grown horns and wanted them to go watch a girlie flick called The Proposal but Adam stuck to his socks, so she made noise.

By Sunday, he was so fed up of her yap-yap he asked God: "Does this prototype come with a remote control, so I can press ‘mute’ on her volume module?"

For in this innocent era before Ford invented the motor vehicle, women used to use guilt trips to run men over.

Talking of inventors, have you heard of Bill Gates’ latest invention? It is a toaster that plays chess with his wife, Melinda. "I just wanted to see who is smarter, female or toaster?" neighed the world’s richest man in a high voice.

Former US president Geroge W Bush, of course, was famous for his Bush-isms, one of which was "People who practise their love on women are called OBGYNs." We are yet to be told, exactly, what that acronym means.

Inherent chauvinism

Iranian President Ahmedinejad, actually doesn’t believe in the existence of the female species, per se. On September 1, from his bastion of terror in Tehran, the tyrant ranted: "Women, like aliens, may exist, but at most, they are both a dozen. Not the 3.3 billion that some anti-revolutionary western men would have us believe".

Clinton, being cleverer than most men, was clearer. On the tenth anniversary of a ‘hole-day’ celebrated by right wing Republican nut cases (no pun intended) called ‘Lewinsky Day,’ Bill said, "Ten years gone, and I still have to tell you that I did NOT have sex with that WOMAN!"

Women — you can’t live with ‘em, you can’t beat ‘em!

To which my old man would have said, ‘Wanna bet?’

"Women, like, totally rock!" an unwise man once said. Err, no. That was just Milly G, sounding stubborn. Let us go, full circle to nature.

Woman’s natural eco-system is the kitchen. In captivity, sometimes called ‘matrimony’ by legal and church types (and fools who have never had to pay alimony), you can allow them out of the zoo (also called ‘house’) to go browse the neighbourhood — but only if they are hunting down groceries.

Once educated though, woman tends to develop a very strong mind of her own, annoying her natural predator (man) the way Milly G vexes me on this space week after week.

In fact, if a close eye isn’t kept on woman, she quickly learns to put down man — that is why the Lord had to put down Lucifer at the start of our tale, before he could grow wings. I once closed my eye (yes, the one you see there) for a week, and next thing I know, Milly G was ‘kalia-ing’ me up there!