My man is stingy

I am a 28-year-old single mother of one daughter and dating a 40-year-old man. I have supported my daughter with the little I earn and what I got from friends without strings attached. This was until I felt the need to be loved by a man. His problem is that he is too stingy. He knows I earn little but becomes cold whenever I ask him for money. I, however, feel so attached to him regardless. He now wants marriage but I don’t know how to change him. Is this a sign that a rough ride awaits me in marriage? I have tried to find another better paying job unsuccessfully and I can only keep him if I have a good source of income to support my daughter. It would hurt me to lose him. I am confused.

{Joan}

Your Take:

Joan, when men are faced with a similar situation, they feel that they are not attached to the children they did not sire. Before marrying him, it is important to discuss the role your daughter plays in the marriage to avoid her getting frustrated later in life. Experience tells us very few men can genuinely take care of children who are not their own.

{James Nyamweya}

First, do not think that you will change him after you get married. He has already shown you his true colours and that his money belongs to him. He could use it as a power symbol in your relationship. Before you commit, both of you must discuss your finances. Although a taboo subject, failure to discuss it leads to financial infidelity. Both of you will need to discuss the sensitive issue of raising your daughter and whether he will help you.

{Wanjiku Kiogora}

If money is what you want, then find ways of earning yours. A man should never be careless with money so if he is okay in other areas and you love him, do not leave him. You sound too expensive and money-minded but remember that money is hard to come by. It is a pity that most women are just interested in what a man can do for them with his bank balance. This is greed — take him as he is.

{Alice Adhiambo}

You are torn between the devil and bliss. The man in your life is loving but stingy and you have your daughter with all the demands of motherhood. He is not stingy but simply irresponsible. He has not accepted you as you are. Do not be blinded with cheap romance. Do not betray your daughter because unlike you, she has only you. Effective communication is the key to romantic bliss. Have a candid chat with your lover and brainstorm all dimensions of your relationship including finances and get his honest take, lest you enslave yourself into a suffocating union.

{Taabu Tele}

From your statement, you are a frequent money borrower and you do it to supplement your meagre earnings. It is a very wrong to fall in love with someone who loves you and has offered to marry you and then pester him for money. When you marry him, you should not peg the marriage on his financial handouts. Let your intention to marry the man be love and not financial security as you sound. Does he really love you (together with your daughter)? Would you love him without the cash?

{Edward Odanga}

If he is so stingy now, it shows that he will not be responsible later. It is better if you quit and look for another man who is more affectionate. Please think about the future and welfare of your daughter first. Even if you want to be loved by a man, be careful what kind of man you fall for because if you show him the desire you have for him, he will take advantage.

{Amy Manga}

Men are complicated creatures to deal with. Many times you will have to be patient with him. Tell him the truth; explain how you feel and why you need him to do more.

{Roselyn M}

My take

Gone are the days when the man was considered a cash cow. For a lady getting married brought with it a sigh of relief; all financial troubles were shifted and placed on the man while the woman concentrated on spending and raising the children. Times are hard for all and women are increasingly taking on more responsibilities towards putting bread on the table.

With the rising costs of life including healthcare, maintenance and diminishing job opportunities, financial security in marriage is no longer guaranteed. If anything, it may become an even heavier burden for two if either one developed health or other complications.

Getting married with the notion that it will be a cocoon of financial security is totally the wrong approach to it. If things are thick during the courtship period, how blissful will they be in marriage?

Men mainly practice two kinds of stinginess — do not want to and absolute lack of. The do not want to stinginess is accompanied by underlying reasons, for example if you have someone else’s children, revenge or punishment and sometimes he is just being mean. The absolute lack of, has only two remedies; either put up or pack up. You need to carefully evaluate the kind of stinginess prevailing in your situation and make a firm decision.

When a lady loves a man, other material things become secondary. Leaving a man you love because of his money spending habits is not a good decision. Every lady in this situation has two open ended options. Lower the lifestyle bar to a level within your means and face life with the available resources or become pro-active and put more efforts into bringing money home. The first option requires genuine "deep-down" acceptance that for better or worse, you will hang around and commitment to make it work. The second option requires the will to roll up your sleeves and get down to work and an eventual desire to share the fruits of your labour. That Nairobi girls theory of "his-money = our money, my money = my money" no longer holds.

Many times people find life expensive because their lifestyle and standards are much higher than the available resources. The thing to bear in mind is that the external economic framework does not adjust itself to our conditions; we always adjust our situations to its current state.

Taurus

In the next issue:

I am 41 years old and have a daughter. I like men and occasionally date. However, most of these men are married yet hide the fact. I am tired of being alone, and so tired of going out with useless fellows. I too deserve to be happy because I have a great job. The only thing missing is a man to share my life with. I feel bad when my friends talk about their husbands, love and sex because I have nothing to contribute in the discussion. I need someone to trust, love and to hold. I am social and have tried attending parties, weddings and church, but no success. I am attractive but I do not know why men do not want me. Do you have any ideas on how to get myself a good man? Please advice me.{Esther}

Dear readers,

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