Healing your relationship with your mum

Healing your relationship with your mum (Photo: iStock)

An ideal family setup is one where all relationships are healthy and thriving. Dads would have healthy relationships with their sons, mothers would have no problem bonding with their daughters, and basically, everyone would get along peacefully. But as we know, things don’t always turn out how we expect them to; that’s just life.

Most of the problems we experience stem from broken relationships within the family, especially parent-child relationships. A case we don’t often get to talk about is damaged connections between mothers and their daughters.

This disconnect can cause problems for daughters because the little girl inside them is deeply hurt. Healing such situations can be a big hurdle to get over, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

First, identify the root cause of the conflict. Once a conflict matures and goes on for years, you start to lose sight of where it all started. That root will have allowed more anger and resentment to grow and eventually become one big mess.

To start recovering, take some time to think about when the divide started. It may be something that started as early as your teenage years, that progressed over time or a disappointing situation that bred hostility. This process is important because it will help you understand and communicate your feelings.

Second, take responsibility. Sometimes when we’re bitter about a situation, we don’t acknowledge the ways we might have contributed to the problem.

There are times when it’s genuinely not your fault, but often when people reflect, they realise there are things they should have done differently as well. For a better outcome, be real about your mistakes and don’t focus on squarely shifting the blame to your mum.

Third, appreciate the things she got right. If your mum came through for you, you need to acknowledge those moments as well. The fights might have completely overshadowed the good memories, but focusing on the bad things won’t do anything to help.

Maybe you might start remembering there are plenty of things to be grateful for and that, at the end of the day, she could have just been trying her best to be a parent. This will encourage you to let go of the past and start afresh.

Fourth, communicate healthily. Since you’re working on mending the situation, healthy communication has to be involved on your part as well. At this point, toxic communication might have become the norm, but it’s time to do away with that.

Some of the things to remember when you talk are to communicate with respect, understanding, and compassion. Active listening will also give better results than listening to respond.

Finally, decide to forgive. True forgiveness isn’t a matter of emotions. Our emotions tend to shift and aren’t usually reliable, so the best thing to do is decide to move forward. This decision is what will eventually guide your emotions with time and make it easier to encourage a healthier bond.