How to write about Luhya politicians

Describe them as a tottering lot. Single them out for their weaknesses and lack of foresight. Cast them as indecisive and unwise and uncaring. Vilify them for their gullibility, for their generosity. Cast them as objects for hire. The highest they have made is the VP anyway. Masinde Muliro (the unselfish one) played second fiddle to Jaramogi Oginga, Musalia Mudavadi (the good boy) was the shortest serving VP, Wamalwa Kijana (the gentleman) allegedly died of AIDS, Moody Awori (the grateful one) was a darling of inmates. Don’t hesitate to mention to your listeners and readers and viewers that the Luhya politicians are poor and that they cannot bankroll a serious presidential campaign.

Tell your listeners and readers and viewers that the current crop of Luhya politicians will never be better than Masinde Muliro, or Moses Mudavadi or Wamalwa Kijana or Moody Awori. Tell your listeners and readers and viewers that Luhya politicians are brilliant and schooled, yes, (Mukhisa Kituyi is the president of UNCTAD, Smokin Wanjala might be the next CJ), but then tell them that Luhyas are not ready to lead Kenya. Remind them that they didn’t suffer the horrors of Mau Mau as the Gikuyus or Mijikenda’s or Maasais or the Kalenjins did. Tell them that there are no Luhyas at the top ranks of the Military or Treasury or NIS or Police. Tell your listeners and readers and viewers that Luhyas are not simply ready for task of leading this country. Ask them to take some time off and be ready. Cast the Luhya politician as a weakling, as a vulnerable and susceptible person. Cast him as a person too weak to be trusted.

Go deep and dig dirt about them. Talk about how Wakoli Bifwoli has a ‘funny’ accent. Talk about how Wetangula allegedly stole Oil from the people of Turkana, talk about how Musalia Mudavadi is a ‘nephew’ to retired president Moi and how they are one and the same person, talk about Boni Khalwale’s bullfighting fanaticism, talk about how Kenneth Marende is the finest of the current political crop out of Luhya land.

Make no distinction between the ‘Luhya voter’ of your imagination and the ‘Luhya politician’ of your imagination. Draw as many similarities as you can. The Luhya voter of your imagination should be a middle aged man, jobless and polygamous with the front upper teeth missing. For supper, he consumes a plate of ugali served with two boiled eggs and salt. He owns nothing except a failed sugarcane farm, a thatched house and a rusty bicycle. He beats his wife without reason and sends his kids to school with torn uniform, buttocks out. He is fascinated by everything, especially a helicopter ferrying Jacob Juma’s casket.

Tell your listeners and readers and viewers about how political unity of the Luhya is impossible. Be as pessimistic as you can get. Scare the hell out of them. Tell them they stand no chance of winning anything. Tell them how they should team up with politicians from Central and Rift Valley because enemies of Kenya reside somewhere in Luo land. Tell your listeners and readers and viewers how Raila Odinga betrayed Wamalwa Kijana, not once but many times. Dig deep and say how Ababu Namwamba was mistreated by the ODM leadership. Send out an ‘appealing message’ to Ababu Namwamba to join Jubilee Alliance Party (JAP).

In your conclusion, talk about how JAP is a national party and how Luhyas have a place at the table. They like food, right? The word table will definitely attract them. Endorse the water CS, Eugine Wamalwa, for the Nairobi Governorship. Play with words. Read the smile or the shock on the faces of your readers, listeners and viewers. This will help you create suspicion and rivalry between the Luhya voter and the Luo Voter. Press the knife down the cake until Raila Odinga and Moses Wetangula can’t see eye to eye. Then sit back and sip your wine. You have just won the Game of Tribal Cards. You are richer than a jackpot winner. We all bet to win, right?

Now that is a shame.

Here is the thing I wanted to say. Perhaps this is the whole point of writing this playful article. This is more serious that your ethnic politics.  In the history of participating at the Olympics, RIO 2016 was a blast for us: Six gold medals, six silver medals and two bronze medals. I am proud and happy. I live in Nakuru by the way. Yesterday, I went out and had two cold beers, Guinness. I wore my rugby sevens t-shirt. Nations were represented at RIO 2016, not ethnic communities. Next time you write about Luhya politicians, just remember to …. hey! Wait. There are no Luhya politicians. There are only politicians, Kenyan politicians. And both you and I hate them. Tell me you don’t hate their double speak? Tell me you don’t hate how they spit filth in the name of exercising their inalienable right to free speech? Tell me… no … don’t. Keep it to yourself. I love my country Kenya. I love you. I don’t care how you are going to write about Luhya politicians after this.

The writer of this article lives in Nakuru. He doesn’t like flamingoes but respects them. You can reach him via e-mail [email protected].