Are they ripe for boarding school

Schools re-opened this week and many children were admitted to boarding schools for the first time — an experience that will forever shape their lives. NJOKI CHEGE explores when the right time is to enrol your child in a boarding school

Francis Osman* is eleven years old and in a boarding school in Mombasa. His father enrolled him in that school two years as he was joining Class Three, shortly after separating from his mother and taking custody of him.

To this day, Francis does not understand why his parents don’t love him enough to stay with him. At his tender age, that is how he has translated his transfer to a boarding school. He is not able to fathom that the reason his father placed him in the boarding school was to ease his parenting burden and to reduce the costs he would have incurred on a daily basis.

There are many reasons why parents enrol their children, some as young as two years old, in boarding schools. While some want to induce a culture of independence and self-reliance into their children, others want them to focus  on their academics.

Hostile environment

Other parents take their children away from what they consider unhealthy or violent home environments, while others are too busy to raise their children and to protect them from raising themselves, opt for boarding schools.

Psychologists note that boarding schools can be a make or break decision for a child’s formation. Developmentally, they argue, a child needs its parents’ love, attention and guidance till around adolescence. This is particularly true of children below the age of seven, who thrive under secure environments.

Dr Gladys Mwiti, a consultant clinical psychologist and psycho-trauma specialist, says children below the age of seven need to learn to trust and attach, which is why they need their parents close.

“After the age of seven, say between eight to 12 years, children learn to socialise with their age-mates and choose their friends. They also learn simple duties, for which they need their parents’ guidance,” says Gladys.

At the age of 13, children naturally want to test their skills away from their parents. This is what is normally termed as individualisation, as they discover their own identity as separate and unique individuals.

“This is the best time to take your child to a boarding school. As you have already laid the foundation for them, you will know they are ripe for boarding,” explains Gladys.

In recent years, however, children younger than age 13 are finding themselves in boarding schools, only seeing their parents once or twice a term.

As more parents become  engrossed in their careers and businesses, sometimes flying out of the country frequently, the need for boarding schools has increased. Entrepreneurs have come up to fill this void, offering various services for such parents and guardians that range from the basic to the luxurious.

The need for boarding schools for minors is also being driven by increasing number of broken homes, and the death of parents (or the sole breadwinner).

More harm

Dennis Amukambwa, a general therapist at the Oasis Africa Counselling Centre and Training Institute, warns that taking your child to a boarding school below the age of 13 could do more harm than good.

“First, the attachment between the child and his parents is broken by boarding school, which is a strange environment. The child then struggles to fit in and cope with the loneliness and lack of parental love. At the same time, the child has to acquire and develop survival skills and a personality all on his own,”  he explains.

While a child is loved unconditionally in a home environment, the situation is different in a boarding school, where he or she is judged on academic performance, physical beauty and material possessions.

“Therefore, if a child is disconnected from his caregiver, he will think that he is only valued when he performs well, hence the constant pressure to excel. Ultimately, they will end up as workaholics and be primed to work to seek approval from others,” says Dennis.

Prof Koi Tirima, an educator and currently the director of the Centre for Research, Teaching and Learning at Inoorero University in Nairobi, concurs with the two experts, candidly noting that children need their parents in the formative years.

“If you separate a child from his primary teaching unit, which is the family, then you destroy his life. Children ought to be with their parents or guardians in their formative years when they are socialised, and a foundation is built in terms of language, culture and values,” says Prof Koi.

She, however, believes that the right age for boarding is during high school (age 13 and above), where the teenagers are allowed to focus on other activities besides academics, such as sports, drama and debate.

Responsible adults

“Even traditionally, teenagers were sent away for some time to be taught how to be responsible adults,” she says.

Psychologists also note with concern that children who are thrust into boarding school tend to be rebellious because they think they are being punished.

Consequently, the child may feel unwanted and unloved; and parents with children in boarding schools may need to go the extra mile to show that they love them. Similarly, such parents must repeatedly assure the children by explaining why they have been placed in boarding schools at such a young age. Some boarding schools of minors allow parents and relatives to visit and call the child. This helps in assuring the child that he is loved, not abandoned.

Where domestic violence is the pride of place in a home, Gladys says parents should not send away their children in the name of protecting them.

“Even if parents are fighting, that is not an excuse to send the child away,” she says. “The solution is not throwing away the child with the birth water but to assure them of emotional safety. In circumstances where the parents have passed on, the child needs to grow up within their culture. Family connection is very important and tearing orphans away from this stability is a mistake.”

But where a parent or guardian feels compelled to enrol a child into a boarding school, deeper research should be carried out to ensure that the facility is ideal for the child and that it will build, rather than destroy a child.

In general, boarding schools inculcate a culture of independence in a child. Further, they enable long life friendships to be made.

“Boarding schools also isolate a child from distraction and keep him focused on his studies. In addition, they provide structure in a child’s life that includes study time, manual work time, creativity and fun time,” says Gladys.

Linda Omollo joined boarding school at the tender age of ten when her parents separated. “It was tough at first. Coming from a home with two house helps and a driver at your service, I was totally taken aback. But boarding helped me to learn responsibility and for the first time, I learnt how to wash my clothes,” she says.

Making friends

Boarding school also taught Linda how to stand up for herself and how to make and keep friends.

“I realised from a tender age that I was on my own and that the buck stopped with me. I discovered that friends could either be supportive or stab you on the back, so I learnt how to choose my company wisely,” she says.

Boarding, she says, also taught her to listen to herself and trust her instincts in the face of peer pressure.

“Parents need to consider what kind of school they are sending their children to. They should find out whether the school focuses solely on academics or it also engages in co-curricular activities. They should also look at the culture of the school to determine whether that is the right environment for their child,” says Koi.