Our intimacy is dead

We have been married for four years, have two children and are currently paying a mortgage on top of so many other irksome expenses. We barley have sex and do not even hold each other. We have not kissed in about eight months now.

We make a great team, but when it comes to intimacy, I feel he lacks the spark for me. I have told him this many times but he does not take me seriously and is not keen on making things better. I am beginning to feel unwanted, ugly and worthless. I am too lonely and I think we are hanging on to the marriage just for the sake of the children. I think about other men and I know that he masturbates. It angers me that he would rather satisfy himself than be with me. Please advice on what I should do? {Karen}

Your take:

I understand why you feel unwanted, your husband’s behaviour could be the result of three things: the sexual chemistry between the two of you is fading; he could be gay or he has a mistress. If he has lost interest in you sexually then maybe he fears getting HIV so he prefers to satisfy himself rather than risk infection. If he is gay he could have lost his interest in women or if he has another woman, she is probably better than you in bed. Look for ways to spice things up including taking a romantic trip on your budget. 

{George Ogara}

It is unfortunate that you are living in an unsatisfying marriage but cannot do a thing about it. If you choose to cheat on him you might end up a single parent for the rest of your life. The best thing is to sit down with your partner and share your concerns. Try to identify the cause of the problem and analyse it. Be open since it could be a psychological problem eating into him. Do not forget to seek spiritual and professional advice if things remain the same.

{Mate}

You could have given all your attention to the children and neglected him or the issue of the various financial commitments is disturbing him. It also matters how you approached the issue because men hate to hear that they are not performing sexually — but as I said it depends on how you approach it. Evaluate your role in this problem and get a solution. Be ready to accept your own failures.

{Okello Oluoch}

It could be stress brought about by the money issues. You can both sit down and come up with solutions to your current financial problems. Show him that you are part of the solution not the problem. Many people are in tough financial situations and such situations may act as the bond that strengthens the marriage. Please remember it is only you who can help him.

{Angie}

Sex and romance mean so much to any married couple because it brings fulfilment. If you have told him how you feel and he does not change then perhaps he might be having a mistress somewhere. Ask him if he still has feelings for you. About masturbation, it is good if both of you agree on it but it is a problem if he does it alone. Why do you want to destroy your marriage in the blink of an eye by desiring to sleep with other men? {Danson K}

My take:

At birth, responsibilities and expectations are given upon determination of ones sex. If male, one should grow into a real man; fend and provide for your family, which ties to fathering several children, protect the family and provide strategic (long-term thinking) and social support to your wife or wives as well as sexual nourishment. These roles are entrenched in every aspect of our lives such that by the time one attains age of the majority we not only hold them as true but we totally believe and live in them.

But look at the present day; affirmative action is seeing more women through many vacancies thus reducing the number of vacancies that were formerly available to the men. Again, economic ups and downs are the order of day; companies are collapsing and laying off manpower while the ever-rising inflation is gradually reducing people’s abilities to adequately provide for their families. The day-to-day uncertainties and reducing capacities to provide for the basic family unit contribute to the increased stress levels especially among men who unlike their female counterparts have someone to pass the buck to.

Relation of libido to finances:

While increased stress levels affect the sexuality of both men and women; the effects of this weigh down much heavier on men than on women. When a man struggles too hard to provide for his family and seems not to be making enough headway, he feels inadequate — that he is not a ‘total man’. This is obviously a feature of the brain where all elements of man-hood are triggered from. Soon, he starts lacking in self-confidence, puts pressure on his mind to sort things out such that by evening (which constitutes the sex-time for most) his mind is done. Again, the reduced self-confidence and male-ism is not there so he lacks the basic initiative to get or maintain an erection for a fulfilling sexual encounter.

If he is struggling with a mortgage, bills and many other financial challenges the ordinary reflex reaction is a reduction in his libido so he may not necessarily be cheating on you. The easier option for many is usually to get another man to satisfy their sexual needs which is glaringly the wrong approach since they only address the effects — not the cause. To change the effect one would need to change the cause so the better option would be to help him sort out the financial matters and all other areas will sort themselves out.

Masturbation — a sign of stress:

Masturbation is often construed as a sexual function but it is more associated with the brain than with sexual needs. Those who masturbate the most are those with low self-esteem not those with ‘above average’ sexual needs. It takes the focus off of everyone else and gives you some reassurance that you do not have to perform based on other people’s expectations. Masturbation is definitely a sign that a man is stressed and is suffering from a shrunk ego. It acts like a fight back mechanism by letting one break away from the normal trends of normal sexuality.

What to do:

For starters, help with the financial issues by bringing some income home. This will definitely relieve some pressure off him and give him time to sort himself out. Two, stand by him through thick and thin; remember that things may not always be like this. Believe that things will get better and encourage him along those lines especially by letting him know that he is only down not out. Three, acknowledge his efforts and upscale your degree of aggression in the bedroom. Always reassure him that you will always be by his side no matter what. The risk and effects of getting caught hitting the sack with another man are rather undesirable.

{Taurus}

On the next issue:

I am in love with a married man with whom I have two children. He has sworn that he does not love his wife but I do not see any indications of divorce. He lives with me but visits them occasionally. The relationship has been going on for three years but I am not certain that I will end up with him because he still seems to have a strong attachment to his other family, although he says they have been separated for five years. When I ask him whether he is thinking of getting a divorce he says that their marriage was customary and that it is not easy to get a divorce. I love him too much and want him for myself. The other family makes me uneasy; what should I do? Does polygamy really work well for both families? How can I become one of his recognised wives? {Janet}

Dear readers,

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