Why do I keep falling in love with unavailable men?

Hi Chris,

Why do I fall in love with so many guys? They all feel like the love of my life, even though they’re often someone I just can’t be with, like my best friend’s new boyfriend. And it always ends badly. Will I ever have a ‘normal’ relationship?

Falling

Chris says,

Hi Falling!

You crush! Everyone does it sometimes, especially teenagers. Suddenly a stranger feels like the love of your life.

You start having inappropriate dreams and imaginary conversations with them, and you stand taller when they’re around. You like all their posts. When they friend you, it’s your best moment ever. The first time they realise you’re in heaven. Followed by soul-crushing doubt when they talk to someone else.

Crushes are driven by some very powerful brain chemistry that completely wrecks your judgment and sweeps away all your doubts and fears. You’re powerless to stop it. Or the sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, shaky knees, loss of concentration, dreaminess, heightened attention, desire, giddiness, excitement and nervousness that we call falling in love.

Because your dopamine levels are high. It’s highly addictive, so you like to fall in love over and over again. Your serotonin levels are low, which makes you obsessive, anxious and jittery.

Increased norepinephrine increases your energy and memory, making everything seem vivid and fantastic. Epinephrine is also increased, as it is when you’re frightened. Cortisol is released when you are stressed, and that increases your dopamine levels even more. So it all feels exciting and compulsive.

So what should you do? First, try to take a step back. You have poor judgement, remember? See if your crush seems interested in reciprocating, and if so, talk to him.

The worst that can happen is that he says no. It’s hard, but it’s better to know. And in a week, you won’t care any more. But don’t start harassing someone who’s not available. It might work in the movies, but in real life, it’s weird and scary.

Instead, get back out there! It’s hard and you’ll probably get rejected again. But sooner or later you’ll meet the right guy!

All the best,

Chris