What the White House needs is a zebu cow

Ted Malanda

The way I see it, a tick-infested zebu heifer will very soon be mooing in the White House gardens if signs emanating from that seat of power are anything to go by.

First was President Obama’s announcement that he would be investing in a hairy mongrel. The excuse he gave was that his daughters need a pet. But you know the man — he is a clever lawyer. I suspect he is just investing in personal security. They barred Mama Sarah from sending him a sharp spear, you know.

Of course everyone has kicked enough fuss about how deadly his Secret Service security detail is. But watchmen are watchmen. As soon as they espy the lights go off in the big man’s bedroom, they begin snoring.

Next thing you know, smelly gangsters are by his bedside shining torches into his face and demanding for money and that famous blackberry.

The best thing, therefore, is to invest in a tough mongrel. Nothing scares burglars more than a poorly fed mongrel, especially when a loud sign proclaims: "Forget the Secret Service. Onyo: Mbwa kali — ogopa kabisa!"

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Besides, a mongrel is very effective at scaring off pesky teenage boys peeking across the White House fence.

The man has daughters. And with a dotting grandmother in the house, and you know how liberal those old ladies can be, it does no harm to invest in a barking asset. The only downside is that Obama would have to carry bones home each time he visits the neighbourhood pub for a swallow.

This can be a bit tricky in a land where protein is packaged in tablet form because people are too lazy to chew.

Typical Wife

But the dog aside, it is the photograph of Michelle, like a typical Nairobi wife, digging up her city lawn to establish a vegetable garden that got me nodding. You can therefore bet that the next time Mr Gordon Brown nips over for a state visit, malenge, osuga, mrenda, mchicha and other serious vegetables will be on the menu.

But with maize having been stolen in the source market (Kenya), the good lady would be smart to invest in a maize and millet garden, too.

Even more encouraging, however, is that she is also reported to be planning to install a couple of beehives on the premises. Trust me; nothing — not even the fabled Secret Service — chases night runners and other riffraff off your property as fast as the occupants of a beehive.

While these city farming projects go a long way to confirm that President Obama is indeed a son of the soil, nothing would gladden my heart more than the big man installing a zebu cow on the hallowed grounds.

The way the American economy is going, and seeing how skinny our cousin is, that daily cupful of milk would be a godsend.

However, if this farming bug bites the President hard enough for him to start dreaming about the patch of land he owns in Kogelo, he is best advised to remain a telephone farmer. We don’t need him flying ‘home’ for the planting season and such.

We have enough nightmares coping with traffic jams as it is. In fact, the jams caused by the bigwigs in the Coalition Government are child’s play compared to the circus that would ensue should President Obama came to inspect his shamba (farm).

And let’s not even talk about the thousands of ‘supporters’ who would die from sheer excitement, rabid madness, stampedes, teargas and stray bullets.