From bouts to bouquets

By John Muturi

Conflict at home is inevitable and many parents worry about the harm it inflicts on their children. When parents argue, put each other down, become physically violent or withdraw emotionally by spending less and less time together, it leaves lasting psychological scars and behavioural problems in children.

First, they get terrified about the possibility of their parents breaking up.

In the heat of marital discord, many people fail to recognise the intense fear it generates in their children.

Occasional expression of hostility in any relationship is normal but when it becomes frequent or severe, resulting in physical abuse or intense personal attacks, it can be traumatising to children.

Children tend to blame themselves for parental conflict; they feel as if they have done something wrong to create the conflict, and consequently have a difficult time concentrating. They eventually perform poorly in school.

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Some parents who are aware of this often refrain from fighting in front of their children.

However, most children will still perceive hostility, even when it is not expressed openly.

So how do you turn a quarrel into an avenue for improving your relationship?

Marriage joins two different people with different attitudes. Hence tensions, disputes and differences are bound to arise.

Rows should be regarded as safety valves, and are not necessarily a sign that the marriage is on the rocks.

Handled in the right way, they can in deed strengthen the marriage.

Positive arguments

British psychiatrist, Dr Jack Dominian supports this claim.

He says: "The whole point of a quarrel, if it is what I would call a creative quarrel, is that, in the course of it, you learn something about your partner. No quarrel should end up with a winner and a loser; one who is right and one who is wrong. In a creative quarrel, what you are really saying is: ‘you have hurt me badly. Now let me explain exactly why I am hurt.’ And this provides your partner with the opportunity of learning just how you feel inside."

He advises that if you feel strongly about something that has hurt you deeply, then it is important to explode and get it off your chest, provided you do not sulk afterwards.

"But clearly, you can’t have an argument every five minutes — you have to decide what is really important to you," he concludes.

Marriage experts advise that you let nine out of ten remarks made by your partner pass with a trivial comment even if you find them hurtful.

If it is a major issue, then you can burst on the tenth occasion.

Forgiveness

It is important to exercise forgiveness because lack of it leads to grudges.

Family quarrels should never be allowed to turn into grudges, as these are bound to poison the love.

Couples should therefore exercise total forgiveness.

Another golden rule for conflicts is that, if you are about to say something critical to your partner, say something complimentary first.

For instance, instead of saying: "Why did you come home late?’ You should, for instance say, "I know how hard you work and you ought to relax with a drink afterwards, but could you please call to let me know if you are going to be late?"

Another beneficial aspect of rows to marriage is that when you blow the roof, you say important things that you have been bottling up for long.

It will be painful to hear at that moment but bringing them into the open frees the relationship of an emotional block and allows it to move forward and flourish.

In short, genuine communication has taken place between you and grievances have been aired.

This is the crossroads. Whatever you say or do at this point can determine whether your marriage runs aground or enters new and deeper waters of mutual understanding and maturity.

Geoffrey Fletcher, a marriage counsellor, in his book, Getting Married, writes: "People often explode at the person they love. That is the price we pay in a good row. Afterwards, there should come a new understanding of each other, which we show through cuddling and making up, saying ‘sorry’ and knowing we can make a new start. For all its pain, that row has done us both some good."

It is important to make up after a row, for instance, by discussing the incident with your partners in a gentle way.

You can, for instance, say: "The origin of my anger is that I had a feeling that you did not appreciate the things I do — but tell me how you felt about it".

When the dust settles

If it is too difficult for you to say this, write it down and drop it at a vantage place or even in your spouse’s pocket where he or she will certainly find it.

Other couples agree that it is a good idea before turning off the lights and going to sleep, to talk about the things their partner’s have done that day which have made them happy.

And if there have been things they have found difficult to cope with, they talk about them too.

The idea is to settle conflicts as quickly as possible.

As a last resort, you can involve trusted friends or relations and if that fails too, then a marriage counsellor should be sought.