When Mr. Perfect is a kept man: What you need to know

An unhappy couple. (Courtesy/iStock)

In the recent years, women have fallen for men they found on these social streets or even dating Apps and sighed with relief that they have hit a jackpot.

They develop butterflies in their stomachs, call their girlfriends to brag about the new man. They even start checking out on Google for the most appealing baby names and all the best places to go for honeymoon and babymoon, whichever will come first. They print the His & Hers tees. Because the man she has just met is the one she has been praying for. See, dude ticks all the boxes.

He tells all the sweet lies she wants to hear, those ones any girl would want to introduce to her kamati and take to her mother any time. Boy looks so well off, so polished, drives an extremely good machine, seductively well trimmed beard, uses big English words, smells nice and hangs out only in high end joints.

Some of such men would be brave enough to state they are married but not ‘seriously married’ (whatever that means!). Some would be married but swear by their grandmothers’ graves that they’re as single as they come. Another will say he has a dramatic (don’t know why they all call their baby mamas by this dramatic name) baby mama but he supports his child. 

They talk big stories and call themselves entrepreneurs, who don’t fancy being employed despite their rich academic and professional skills.

They’re mostly very minimal on the social Apps. And also very selfish with their information. Would share a pic or two of themselves, or with their boys. No girlfriend no female on their socials apart from their mum or sisters. They would convince you into believing they just like their private life off social media because they’re busy people who don’t have time to waste in social sites. You’ll believe them.

It’s a trap, sister Mary! What you don’t know is that most of such men are living off their women’s purses and bank accounts and they badly simp behind the scenes to remain kept, loved and relevant.

The trips, staycations and vacations are funded by the other gender. Those businesses they brag about and the cars they drive are owned by the girls. These polished men are kept but you’ll hardly guess.

Some who are married (but single) and whom you might have the chance to know their wives at a distance, will be so careful they’d take an Oscar for the best husband these sides of Africa.

Also, their women are mostly book smart but not street smart. They’ll make it look like theirs are the most romantic and caring men who would spend their last dime on them. They don’t mention the careless philandering and the months they stay without conjugals and they neither hint that they’re the ones who clear all bills. She’ll be home taking care of their bundles of joy as he spends his best moments with the love of his life, using her (wife’s) money.

Now you’re there wondering why this man isn’t taking you to those posh places, road trips and staycations that he talks about. Kumbe jamaa is a simp backdoor and is simply checking out to see if you can as well spend on him and keep him.

You expect him to spoil you but instead he wants to come and spend at yours stretching his scaly legs on your couch and wrapping arms around you with his hairy armpits. You wait to be taken on holiday but your guy is wondering why you don’t pay bills on dates when you actually drive a good car and have a well paying job.

Don’t celebrate yet and start checking out on your tailor for the latest kitenge. Don’t get yourself off the market because of such a kept man. Don’t also, work so hard wanting to snatch him from his wife whom you think doesn’t deserve such a ‘good man’. She is the boss, ma’am. Its a raw deal. Very raw. Sit down and guard your heart. You’re not yet there!