How to talk to teenagers in a language they understand

How to talk to teenagers in a language they understand (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

Why is it so hard to talk to my teenagers? They were lovely children a while ago, but now they roll their eyes, storm off in a huff and slam bedroom doors. Is there anything I can do?

Terrible Teens

Chris says,

Hi Terrible Teens!

Don't take it personally. Teenagers are naturally prickly and secretive. They're beginning to distance themselves from you as they grow up and prepare to leave home.

So expect your teen to be withdrawn and uncommunicative. Respect their need for privacy. Don't try to start conversations early in the morning or when they're hungry! Instead, wait and see when they're ready to talk.

Teenagers are self-conscious about almost everything, so they'll feel cornered no matter how you approach them. Let them come to you whenever possible.

Always respond sympathetically or they won't try again. They probably had to go to a lot of trouble to start the conversation.

Stop what you're doing and listen without judgement. Keep a straight face, even if you're angry inside, or they won't try again. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to open up. And keep what they tell you confidentially, or they'll never share their thoughts again.

Teenagers are more uncertain than they seem, value your opinion even when it doesn't seem like it and are very sensitive to your criticism. So listen more than you talk, accept their feelings and avoid lecturing.

Don't ambush them. Instead, make time to talk about difficult issues and don't try to make them feel they're always wrong.

Don't ask intrusive questions. Teenagers are sensitive. And sarcastic. But that doesn't mean they can take it. Let them know when they've hurt you, but try not to hurt them in return. They have long memories.

Explain what you're worried about, such as their safety, and negotiate calmly. For example, ask them to tell you where they're going and when they'll be home.

Allow them to become increasingly independent. Once they realise that you trust their judgement, they'll be more likely to talk to you when real problems arise.

Until one day you find that you're friends again!

All the best,

Chris