Ten types of irritating visitors Kenyans wish away

A man knocking on a door [iStockphoto]

There are visitors who will make you feel like a refugee in your own home. Perhaps it’s that sister-in-law from upcountry who comes and stays in your bedsitter for a full three months under the guise of looking for a job. You secretly wish for the day she leaves so you can reclaim your conjugal rights. Here are ten types of annoying visitors every Kenyan wishes would go away:

1. The Controller
   Once she arrives at your house, she will take control of everything, including ordering your children around. You will no longer watch your favourite programs, as she will be glued to her soap operas, which you have absolutely no interest in. She will also instruct your wife or maid on what to cook or how to organize your home.

2. The Home-Breaker
   If she’s not trying to seduce the man of the house, she’s finding ways to create conflict between the two of you. She’ll tell your wife—her sister—that there are better men out there and that there’s no reason to stay with a pauper like you. She will do her best to point out your flaws and weaknesses, using them as ammunition against you.

3. The Domineering
   He will be all over the house, completely disregarding privacy. This guy will barge into the bedroom unannounced, claiming he needs to ask something. He will even enter the bathroom without knocking, only to awkwardly retreat after finding you in the middle of something. You’ll wonder how he manages to show up at the bathroom just when you’re changing clothes.

4. The Critic
   He will criticize everything, from why you hung the family photo the way you did to why you haven’t replaced your sofa set in years. He’ll tell you straight to your face that your wall unit went out of fashion ages ago and that you need the latest design. He won’t hesitate to remind you that, with your growing family, you should consider moving to a bigger house.

5. The Detective
   She will be in your house with one mission: to uncover your secrets and broadcast them to anyone who matters to you. After just two days, she already knows how much you earn and your additional sources of income. You’ll be shocked to find out that your mother knows you’re planning a wedding next year, even though you haven’t told her.

6. The Lazy Bone
   Not only is she unproductive the entire time she’s staying at your place, but she also doesn’t bother looking for a job to keep herself occupied. While you wake up at 4 a.m. to beat the traffic on Jogoo Road, she sleeps in until 10 or 11 a.m., only to ask the maid to make her tea with toast and eggs.

7. The Glutton
   He’s always looking to eat his fill and, worse still, he hates seeing any food stored in the fridge. Whenever he’s alone in the house, he’ll use the opportunity to nibble on and finish any available food. He’s the last to leave the table during meals and will even tell you outright, “Sijashiba mimi.” He’s bold enough to ask if the ugali on the table is sufficient for everyone in the house.

8. The Kiherehere
   She talks loudly, despite being a guest in your house. She’s the type who makes comical remarks about serious issues affecting your life or family, not realizing how irritating her comments are. All the while, you’re silently praying for her to go back to wherever she came from.

9. No Hurry to Leave
   He arrived under the pretext of staying for two days as he figures out how to clear the rent arrears that led to his eviction. However, he shows no urgency in leaving and even returns with a full briefcase of clothes, settling in like he’s moved in for good.

10. The Unsupportive
    He might have money and even does odd jobs here and there, but he will never offer any financial help, even in a desperate situation. While he eats in the house, even when the electricity tokens run out, he won’t spare Sh50 to help the host buy more tokens.