Learn from mistakes to strengthen your marriage

Black african couple quarrelling sitting on couch [Getty Images/iStock Photo]

Hi Chris,

Many of my friends are divorced, and I’m worried I’ll end up like them, especially since my husband and I have difficult moments occasionally. How can I strengthen my marriage?

Sincerely,

Bad Moments

Hi, Bad Moments!

Marriages experience difficult moments because no one teaches us how to be good spouses. You can strengthen your marriage by learning from your mistakes.

For example, you’ll never resolve a problem while angry. So, step back and agree on a time to continue the conversation.

Always prioritise each other. It seems obvious, but many couples don’t. Put each other before friendships, work, sports and everything else. This doesn’t mean losing your identity, dropping interests or abandoning friends. But you do need to consider your relationship in every decision you make.

You’re not mind readers, so develop the habit of clearly stating your needs and wants. Offer each other plenty of compliments, touches, thanks and smiles. Address small issues as they arise, which will help you develop the skills needed to tackle the inevitable larger ones. And when you talk, give each other your full attention- put your phones down!

Pay attention to how you communicate. Avoid criticising with phrases like “you never...” or “you always...” Avoid comparisons with others, such as “Why don’t you earn as much as...?” And never tell each other you’re not good at something, whether it’s parenting, work, or intimacy. It always sounds harsher than intended.

Instead, frame issues as positive conversations. Never put each other down in front of others. In a marriage, you defend each other in public, no matter what.

Discuss what gets you both in the mood for intimacy, as it’s crucial. Find ways to create more opportunities for intimacy and consistently go to bed at the same time.

A shared bedtime is an intimate ritual that strengthens your connection, whether you have sex or not. Get this right, and you’ll significantly reduce the risk of divorce.

All the best,

Chris

Hi Chris,

Most of my friends are nice, though occasionally annoying. But some are simply dreadful. When I’m with them, I constantly feel manipulated. Am I being manipulated? And how should I deal with them?

Sincerely,

Manipulated

Hi, Manipulated!

We all manipulate a little, but for some, it’s a way of life, causing endless distress to those around them.

Some have personality disorders, like narcissists, who can initially seem very attractive. Eventually, they become dominating and cold. One minute you’re their world, the next, you’re nothing.

People with antisocial personality disorder are also often charming at first but are ultimately unscrupulous and feel no guilt or remorse.

Manipulators can be very subtle, making you constantly question if you’re “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” But it’s not you; it’s them.

They’re often upset, with long sighs and grumpy looks. When you ask what’s wrong, they say, “Nothing!” You’re constantly trying to please them.

They lie and twist things, making you believe you’re wrong. They trash-talk, backstab, and criticise. They’re confrontational, provoking arguments that make you feel terrible. Somehow, everything always seems to be about what you’ve said or done to them, never the other way around.

Many are intelligent and enjoy manipulating others. Some are unaware of their behaviour and act without restraint. Some are so skilled that it’s hard to recognise what’s happening. But they all aim to get their way at your expense.

So, what can you do?

Don’t waste time reasoning with them. They won’t change. They’ll lie, distort your words and play dumb, making them difficult to pin down.

Trust your intuition when something feels wrong. Be clear about your boundaries and practice saying no.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Always watch for signs of manipulation and never give them a chance to exploit you.

All the best,

Chris