Why does my new wonderful boyfriend keep on disappearing?

Why does my new wonderful boyfriend keep on disappearing? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I have a new boyfriend and at first, he was just wonderful. And the best lover I’ve ever had. But lately, he’s got colder, puts off intimacy and keeps disappearing.

What’s going on? What am I doing wrong?

Cold Lover

Chris says,

Hi Cold Lover!

It’s not you. Your boyfriend may just be a jerk, but it’s more likely that he has antisocial personality disorder.

These people are intelligent, look normal and can be very charming. But they have no loyalty and are incapable of love. So they don’t have normal relationships. There’s no trust, empathy, emotional connection or commitment. And when they do have sex, their experience is very different from yours and mine.

For them, sex is about feeding their ego or taking advantage of someone. You see them at work in the bars. Brilliant seducers, hugely flattering, creating a sense of deep connection right from the start. But really they’re just sucking up your identity and playing it back to you. They ask deeply personal questions far too early and play on every fantasy and insecurity you’ve ever had.

First of all, the sex is amazing. By far the best you’ve ever had. They know exactly how to touch you and what to say. But it’s not an emotional experience for them. They’re just watching your reactions and pushing all the right buttons.

And then, once you’re hooked, everything changes. They become cold and abusive, play mind games, withhold sex, go silent, and disappear for days at a time. And it will always be your fault. In reality, they’re out looking for their next target. But at the slightest sign that you might be thinking of moving on, they’ll make a thousand promises. Perfect behaviour. So you’ll stay in your confusion far too long.

The only way to get rid of a guy like this is to go completely ‘no contact’. This can be difficult and may even lead to harassment, stalking and threats. So get help. Spend time with your family. But get out, because he won’t have any feelings and will enjoy destroying yours.

All the best,

Chris