I am starting to resent my husband, how can I stop this?

I am starting to resent my husband, how can I stop this? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

We both work, so when I come home I expect my husband to help me with the children and dinner. It never happens, of course, and I can’t even remember the last time we were romantic together! So how do I get over my mounting disappointment?

Resentful

Chris says,

Hi Resentful!

Your resentment is understandable. You’re tired, feeling a bit sorry for yourself and looking forward to some sympathy, a meal and a glass of wine.

Meanwhile, he just wants to relax at night and feels you don’t appreciate how hard he works, or the pressure he feels to succeed and earn more. Every couple feels that it’s their particular spouse who’s being selfish and ungrateful. But the problem is universal. It stems from our modern belief that couples should both work and do the housework and childcare. Anything else would be unfair.

But exactly equal careers and 50/50 housework just never happen. And so the person who does most of the housework feels resentful, while the person who earns more feels that their partner doesn’t realise how stressed and exhausted they are.

So the move towards marriage equality has simply replaced respect with resentment.

There’s another problem. When couples do try to share the housework equally, their love life goes flat. Because moving away from the traditional division of labour reduces a woman’s desire.

OK, I’m pretty sure you really do feel closer to your husband when he helps with the housework. As he should, of course. But are you really turned on by him doing the dishes? Because we’re often turned on at night by the same things we hate during the day. Like the woman who wants her husband to take charge in bed. The next morning she says he’s controlling.

It seems that the sexes are not as interchangeable as they seem, so perhaps you should look for complementary lifestyles rather than an exact division of labour. You may be able to achieve more together than either of you could on your own.

All the best,

Chris