Battle of the bandz – a billionth!

With Smitta Smitten

Imma real glad ‘Battle o the (Rock) Bands’ is no longer the one nite bands’ stand down dat it used to be in this bad-a** ole town of Nai. N talking of ONS, ma buddy tha poet Stepho Partington sed the otha day day ‘instant tea’ is like a "one nite stand in a cup." Me too!

Last furahiday, I’d met the Partington’s papa-in-Law (an EA judge dude, n Lukenya man) at Choma Zone, on Mom Road – although Sato is wen Choma Zone is on wit Hot Rod Band on da stand, same way they do it Toosdayz at the gorjeous Gazebo on Upper Hill.

But Sato twas express Choi from Boofay Park in Hurli, where da Sharonova n I had hammed chomz n brandy; n I’d felt real weird that there waz no EPL footer (as well as Hooters) no mo.

Sha dropped me off at Ka-Choi, pleadin’ dat metal n work da next day (ndege- ‘ops) ain’t eazzy, so I happily sed ‘hello’ to my man Emmanuel at tha door, n also ran into big bloke, Pascal.

Once past the cool face controls insider, twas an evanescent tyme as I bumped into coach Noancelotti Mooga, as well as the uber-cool CEO (n da only reason I wun’t be at da Carni oleo is coz imma travellin’ ta Talaski)!

　

ROCKING KA-CHOI

Rock doc Jabez introd me to K-choi’s cool new manager, Ronald Simiyu; b4 shewing me to a barrel full of rockers. Animal 2000, An-god Guptaski, Jay Patel n me homie, Lord Shiv Mandaria of XFM, n us miro-rockers.

There waz a bottla vodo on da tayble, but as soon as it cleared, wakina Shiv skyved us wit botte numero mbiri!

I always say ‘mohindi’ ni yure yure, heh heh heh, same way we raik to dandia ‘freebies’ like ndanias on Frisbees! Anyway, I med shore the vodo at meza continued to flow (n shared it wit cool rockers like young Alex ain’t Hawi happily), even as King Jack kept the rock on full flow like dripping ketch-up upstairz, as downstairs, DJ Switch n the bands kept it switched on!

I got to see my main-devil-wing-man, Bleed, but sat with me fellow yarn-spinner, Murua, reminiscin’ about the year two thao as we kunywad vodo … n generally acteed like mzeeiyas.

Murua eventually scattered shortly around midnyte, n I took full advantage to rock it like ‘Seventeen 4ever,’ eighteen till I die – n I pwomise to join Cobain across the ‘muddy banks of the Whiskabah’ in twenny thate.

No point in fadin away, like da tru rockers say (sio wewe, Mike Owuor), wen yu can light up ya world, n go out explodin’, like a comet…

Naisola Leboya, Betty Wandera, Bethuel Muthee n Jacob Najua Sijui were summa da jumpin’ jack rockers we burnt the post-midnite floor at ka-Choi wit. Others were Kev Kwasa of ‘The Awakening’, and Retarded Effects’ Flossy ‘Flash’ Mwas n Jon ‘Pervert’ Denver.

Talkin Denver, I luuvv da beats of dat wimbo wit the lines – "I’m goin’ down to Wichita, to visit wit the Queen of England, & the Hounds of Hell..."

Felix Mind was on his monthly rock fix, n the lil purty pixie, Njeri Tunguru, waz hoppin’ about like a kangaroo on turungi, n thaz waaayy cool.

Of course ‘rock ain’t rock’ if yu ain’t seen da bladed n pierced Pete van Doom, a collegian training to be a pathologist. Imma juzz glad he wun’t be a paedetrician, heh heh. Heavy metallers shd ideally work wit the Dead!

(Hear dat, my dear Doc Sly Raleigh?)

N talkin’ ‘dead’, who else was in da house but the quite mad Nina van Mort, wit offers of mayriage mirages n mÈnage a trios! Now, dat wud be matrimony minus monotony – n end in a lobotomy in Matharetri.

I declined, instead optin’ to hop o’er wit me buddy Ronje to tha 24 hour Mart across da road! To buy ‘drink-me-quick’ cham, now dat dat shizzle is legal.

Sadly, they’d fungad da back-door, so dat we had ta walk tha length of Barichoski, slip up dat slip road near Kaburini, n beneath sleepin’ marabou stork (exhausted 4rm shittin on moti windscreenz all day) on Uhuru highway, ter procure dat chang’aa.

LEGAL SHIZZLE

But ‘aaahh,’ da satisfaction of kunywaing one’s sweat!!

Talkin’ sweat, I forgot my third rock T-sho, as well as left a ‘mbior’ at Ka-Choi. But don sweat da diesel, Simiyu, I’ll kuja clear yu.

Twas gittin derailed wit Ronje by sum devoz outside da mart dat dones it. Ronje, in due course, amkad on da couch at ma place on Sundae. And we went to kanisa!

Not!

We had breakfast – chibaz n vodoski.

In other newz, since our main storo this week is on zizki videos, I got tha dim idea ta feature some really entrancing ones, starting wit me all-time fave, Soundgarden’s video for Black Hole Sun.

In it, peeps are doan normal stuff – preparing to sushi up a samaki 4 lunch, roll tha baby for a pram walk, catch rubs wit tha dog … wen ‘Event Horizon’ happenz.

Anna one I luv is Green-Day’s video 4 Salivate, the grainy granny in da mental place, juzz dewing her knitting ( I tole yer ole age is a shite idea, better ter DIY yur wrinkly old diab long be4, unless ya like a Madiba). There’s also a dumpster dog in tha picha.

dARK VIDEOS

Third really dark video I adore is ‘Incubus’ Warning.

In it, this creepy chicka creeps olathos (ole skul fer ‘class-rooms’) n other streets, n nas da clocks freeze at 11.29 am, or half three in the aftie, she screamz "Don LET life pass yu by!" n I swear yu expect to see a swarm of black to-LET toilet flies, chuckin’ 4rm her mdomo.

Much sunnier fave is The Gals of Summer wit all tha hot beach biaches dissing jamaas, n so on n forth, n sea-side froth. T-least till da end, wen Steve Taylor gets sandwich baited, then hook-yanked into the sea, by a papa (schark)!

I also penda most of Marilyn Manson’s, n Slipknot videos, like the Fight Song one where krosses burn like kuku klux klanz. N the Slipknot one where a mob storms a shed thru the door, roof, floor … to mosh!

My Chemical Romance’s Black Parade has to be one-a da great rock videos made this last decade, From the scene where his wasted mom kuffs at the hosi as the sheet is swept away to show da ‘Black Parade,’ to the apparition on wire-hanger dat goes into the dark, tis the sorta reception a rocker hopes fer on ‘da other side’ (dat ‘white light shite’ soundz damn dulling)!

Lastly, evn tho it be a bit pop – Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi. Not out of professional zidentication, but juzz chck out dat dead lady lyin in da garden, the supu swinging in da parlour, empty eyes, kifo paaap! Fish.