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The Standard

Why trump has Gitegi on edge

By Peter Theuri | 1mo ago
President Donald Trump displays one of the executive orders after signing at the Oval Office. [AFP]

Just like it took you days to adjust to calling Sue your leader after she beat Harold in 2022, it is time to start training your tongue to say ‘President Donald Trump’, even though Harold was not invited for the inauguration.

On the streets of Gitegi, people are asking me, as the wisest person in the village, what a Donald Trump presidency means for Gitegi.

In all honesty, I do not know. It could be that it means little. It could be that Gitegi is actually not on the same planet as the US and so nobody gives a flying hoot - and I believe that the way we run this village could barely be accepted anywhere else on earth.

But as the local intellectual, I owe you an explanation of what Trump could do for us.

You might have heard that Trump has pulled The US out of WHO. Harold came asking me a few days ago, “Who is WHO?”

And of course I wanted to know who he was talking about, but because we were both unaware of who WHO was, we agreed it was a mysterious force that previous US presidents were funding and one they could start tapping into in their retirement.

“And why does WHO matter to us, therefore?” he asked, taking notes for his sermon.

Mysteries of life.

Trump is, notably, throwing out illegal immigrants. If you are good students of history, you realise that we are all immigrants. Christopher Columbus, or CC, the guy responsible for that boring layer of CCs in your mailing list, or your car’s engine size, stumbled into The US when only wild beasts lived there.

At that time, everyone who lives in Gitegi was languishing in Congo Forest. We do not, therefore, support the deportation.

Trump also issued an executive order revoking 78 executive orders and memoranda issued under Joseph Biden. They are forbidden, he said. Sad, because it shows Harris why her race needed to be stronger, to protect her party’s legacy. Many of these orders have to do with DEI, which must now die, and as Gitegi, we have no reactions to this because we do not understand it.

He also needs people to return to in-person work, which now complicates the plans we had for remote mass on Sundays. The only place Harold wants to be in person is Sue’s pub. 

Related Topics

Uncle Harold America First Policy Trump Executive Orders Donald Trump Policies
.

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        #12025-03-26 02:06:55GET/main-staging/sunday-magazine/article/2001510419/why-trump-has-gitegi-on-edge21133105