Co-parenting during the festivities

Co-parenting during the festivities (Photo: iStock)

Darius Otieno is looking forward to Christmas and New Year celebrations. He is happy because this is the first time that he will be celebrating with his seven-year-old son and nine-year-old daughter. 

“I am so happy and delighted that finally, I will be bonding and celebrating with my children for the first time since we got divorced from their mother six years ago,” says Otieno. 

He says those six years have been a living hell as he fought to share the custody of his children with his ex-wife. 

Otieno says it has taken five months to plan for the coming holidays. He and his children are set for a “holiday of a lifetime” in celebration of their new-found space ordered by the court. Now he can access his children and stay with them as scheduled by the divorce court. 

According to family coach and counsellor, Catherine Mugendi, holidays are supposed to be the most beautiful time of the year. Still, holidays can also be significantly stressful for families going through a divorce or separation. 

“Divorce and separation can complicate holidays and special events, and victims need to know it might take the interception of the court to settle scores in the fight of custody or shared custody between the besieged couple,” says Mugenda. 

The counsellor says coordinating schedules for visitations and parenting time can be overwhelming. This is true for the first holiday for a family after a split.

She says that separated or divorced couples should accept that they have to divide up the holidays in some fashion. It may be Christmas Eve with you and Christmas Day with the ex, or vice versa. 

“If you live in separate towns, it may mean that this year the kids will spend the holidays with you and next year they will be with their other parent,” says the family coach. 

She says children may be affected by the differences and disagreements of their parents. 

With your children, decide how and with whom your family will observe holiday celebrations. Schedule holiday visits and get-togethers with the children in mind; they don’t want to rush from one house to another. Think of your children’s needs not yours. 

However, she says, despite the challenges involved in co-parenting during the holiday among separated and divorced partners, many expert tips can help couples navigate this landscape.

If you tried negotiating with the other parent to bring a fair schedule for the children, but there is high conflict and disagreement, seek professional help from a mediator or a family attorney. 

If this is the case, it is best to have a third party such as a mediator or attorney take the matter through the court system and have a judge decide on a parenting plan that favours the child.

In the meantime, follow the current parenting plan and do your best to co-parent effectively. This might mean putting your differences aside and focusing on the needs of the children. 

“At the end of the day, always remember that the holidays are not a competition, and do not feel pressured to buy your children’s love after a divorce or separation, and you should not feel the need to outdo your ex-partner or make them look bad in any way,” says the coach. 

The coach says coordinating gift-giving with your ex-spouse is a good idea, as it will not only help prevent duplicate gifts but will ensure that holiday gift-giving does not negatively impact post-divorce finances.