Redefining masculinity for men's mental health

“Man kills wife as children watch, then surrenders to police,” “Man sets house on fire in family row, burns self, sleeping wife and son,” “Kiambu man dies by suicide, wife found murdered.”

They tell of horrific stories emanating from mental health challenges that beset many a man.

“These tragedies often stem from prolonged stress build up without seeking help,” says Simon Mbevi, a pastor. He was speaking at the Men’s Wellness Summit, organised by ArvoCap Asset Managers in a Nairobi hotel.

At the meeting, attended by hundreds of men, one sentiment was unanimous: Men are driven by success. This drive often forms the foundation of modern-day struggles that play out in a man’s mind.

“We need to redefine masculinity,” said Mbevi, the founder of Man Enough, a 10-week men’s wellness programme. “T+he focus has been more on performing than on being.

The average male, it emerged, hinges their masculinity on that which they’ve accomplished.

Philip Muema, Managing Director and Partner at Andersen, a global accounting firm, is perhaps best known for making front-page news as one of Kenya’s billionaire taxpayers.

READ: It's a lonely, silent world for men in the grip of mental health diseases

Yet even he, deep pockets notwithstanding, found himself questioning what true success really meant.

Speaking as a guest panellist at the summit, Muema candidly shared his own struggles in pursuit of success in nirvana. “In my 20s, I believed that reaching the peak of my career would mean success,” he said. “At age 29, I became the youngest partner at KPMG. Yet, that wasn’t it.”

“In 2017, I made the front page of a newspaper as a billionaire. Was I successful? I don’t know.

“In 2018, I built Andersen: now the largest [accounting] company in the world. Did that make me feel successful?

“I have come to realise that success isn’t just about being known as a good husband or father. It means different things at different times.”

Mbevi notes that men often set themselves up for failure by adhering to rigid definitions of success.

“By those definitions, you might be successful today but not tomorrow. Success is not stagnant; it’s a progressive achievement of worthwhile goals. It’s also about the way you impact the lives of others,” he says.

On failure, Mbevi observes that it should be viewed as an opportunity to learn. However, pain should not be glorified as a marker of masculinity, a sentiment echoed by the panel.

From the summit, here are nine ways for men to care for their mental health and escape the futility of constantly trying to ‘measure up’.

1. Cry! Especially when you feel the tears well in your eyes

‘Big boys don’t cry’, a phrase many have heard. “We were taught to man up: men don’t cry,” Mbevi notes. “But we need to change that mindset.”

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Crying, he explains, is an act of emotional intelligence. It’s about taking acknowledging and processing what you feel inside. It’s not just about shedding tears; it is also about releasing heavy burdens.

“When you cry, you start to feel better,” Mbevi says. “It is okay not to feel okay.”

2. Never walk alone

Addressing vulnerability, Muema noted that boys are often taught to remain silent, even in pain. Dr. Antony Wasuna, an obstetrician, concurred, saying, “We don’t open up; we don’t talk.”

Mbevi pointed out that life becomes harder when we fail. And since failure is inevitable, it’s crucial to face it with the right support system. “That’s how you take your power back,” Muema said.

“By being vulnerable.” Vulnerability is not for everyone, however. It requires cultivating relationships that create safe spaces where you can share openly, without fear of judgment or betrayal.

“As men, we need a brotherhood where we can lift each other up when one of us is down,” Mbevi said. “Maturity is about interdependence. Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness. But it takes far greater courage to be vulnerable than to remain closed off.”

“There are men who die deaths that could have been prevented if they hadn’t chosen to suffer in silence,” he added.

3. A little solitude is not bad

Yes, you should never walk alone. However, you will need moments to reflect. Solitude, in this case, is about stepping away from the noise and taking time to process whatever may be going on.

“Shutting down the noise, sitting still in the moment, and thinking,” Muema emphasised.

During these moments, take the time to meditate and explore the deepest corners of your feelings. Don’t overlook the positives—acknowledge and appreciate every good thing.

4. Make time for family

Wilson Wariari is the Chief Investment Officer at Arvocap Asset Managers. He acknowledges that men are driven by the pursuit of their dreams.

He says, “The dream comes with responsibilities. You have the big title, but you’re also juggling five other tasks beyond that.

“You work long hours, and over weekends, instead of spending time with your family, you find yourself attending to work-related matters.

“These are sacrifices we make—not for our own benefit, but for the whole family. But I have a young son, and sometimes I go three days without seeing him. “There are nights when I work late, tending to clients’ needs, and then I make a video call to him. Right away, I know it’s time to leave everything behind and go home.”

After graduating nearly 50,000 men through the Man Enough programme, Mbevi observes that the topic most cited by participants as being the most impactful is ‘Wounded Warrior’.

“It addresses the scars of men who grew up without a father—those who have wounds because ‘Daddy was too busy.’

“A man must be responsible to his family and present for his children. The theme for this year’s Men’s Day was: Becoming Authentic Role Models. Indeed, you can predict the quality of tomorrow’s masculinity by looking at today’s fathers.”

5. Go for regular check check-ups and go for therapy

Dr Wasuna posed a question to the audience: “How many of you have ever had a wellness checkup?” Less than 10 hands were raised, which highlights men’s health-seeking behaviour.

“Your health is one of the best investments,” Dr Wasuna advised.

“There are dangers that we, as doctors, can detect early and help you avoid. We can predict and manage these health issues before they become serious.”

He emphasised that the average man should have regular checkups to monitor blood pressure, heart health, prostate health, and blood sugar—issues that, if caught early, could prevent tragedy.

Poor physical health is bound to affect a man’s mental well-being in the long run. But even in the absence of physical illness, mental health should never be overlooked.

Muema said: “Face your demons. Unpack the weighty issues with the help of a professional, such as a therapist. We can become so preoccupied with our physical health that we neglect our mental health. Therapy works. The more you master who you are, the more you can give to others; you can’t pour from an empty cup.”

6. Understand that failure is part of life

Muema is a billionaire, yet he too has experienced failure. “I have set up businesses – at least three – that have failed. I’ve also had a failed marriage, and I was hard on myself,” he shared.

Sometimes, as Dr Wasuna observes, failure is imposed by circumstances, such as infertility.

He explains: “After marriage, having children is almost the automatic next step. Yet, couples get married and realise they can’t have a child, and it feels like failure—it’s a stressful experience.”

Failure is inevitable at some point. Reflecting on Socrates’ view of the abstract man, Mbevi highlighted the philosopher’s conclusion that an unexamined life is not worth living.

7. Do you (really) have friends?

This is an important question to ask yourself regularly, says Mbevi. People you meet every day, and perhaps work with, may not actually be your friends. The pastor recounts how he discovered that he didn’t have as many true friends as he thought.

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“A few years ago, I had a bad accident along Mombasa Road. I almost died. I was in hospital for several days and then went home to continue recuperating. “One time, I was having a conversation with my son. He asked me: ‘Dad, if you had died, who are the five best friends of yours who would have made sure we don’t suffer because you’re gone?’

“I named five. They approved of two. The other three, they disagreed with. They told me, ‘We don’t think you’re close to those guys. Do they even know which schools we go to?’” Mbevi realised he needed to re-evaluate his friendships.

8. Depend on God… and others

Mbevi emphasized the importance of spiritual grounding, noting that God is the ultimate power in the universe. “Even the strongest among us is weak when standing alone,” he said.

9. Be a tender warrior

Mbevi observes that masculinity sits on a three-legged stool:  Honour, Duty and Care (for others). He concluded by reflecting on the three pillars of masculinity: honor, duty, and care for others. “Stop being the macho man,” he said. “It will make you do things that are likely to hurt you rather than bring you peace.”