Why is our intimate life a war zone?

Why is our intimate life a war zone? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

Everything was fine when we first got married, but as our lives have become more complicated, our bedroom life has gradually become a war zone. Especially over ‘how often’. Is this how it’s going to be from now on?

Help!

Chris says, 

Hi Help!

Couples tend to agree on everything in the beginning, but this becomes more difficult as life gets busier. Most spouses give in occasionally so that they can get what they want another time. But that never seems to work when it comes to getting intimate!

Especially if one of you wants it far more than the other. Then it is very hard to find a balance that works for both of you. The less interested partner usually ends up setting the pace, because intimacy with an unwilling partner is no fun at all. But that just means you’re both unhappy. One feels frustrated, the other is harassed.

Everyone says it’s not about quantity but quality. But that’s not true, because couples who both feel they’re getting the right amount of bedroom action are usually very happy together.

And the longer a couple goes without intimacy, the more likely they are to break up. And the harder it is to get intimate again.

Especially because it is such a difficult subject to talk about, even at the best of times. And it gets even worse if one of you feels rejected or under pressure. Because any discussion tends to turn into a fight.

So try broadening the subject to include everything about sleeping together. For example, your bedtime routine. For example, couples who go to bed at different times are much less likely to be intimate, as are couples who go online in the bedroom.

On the other hand, couples who go to bed at the same time, cuddle as soon as they get into bed and sleep in the nude are much less likely to have problems with intimacy. So instead of arguing about how much action is right for you, just agree on a common bedtime, throw away the screens and pyjamas, and cuddle a lot. And your problems will probably solve themselves.

All the best,

Chris