Old school remedies can still "work"

The old school generation might recall the days when parents treated minor illnesses using simple, out-of-the-world techniques.

Back then, children would be bathed using certain brands of soda to cure skin rashes, while those suffering coughs were made to drink raw egg yolks.

Flu was treated by breathing in steam.

Dandruff was eliminated by washing the hair with baking soda, while diarrhoea was treated by drinking a glass of concentrated salt solution.

My neighbour, Mama Maimuna, informs me that in some parts of the coast, a mug of soup from fish known as “nguru” was all it took to treat measles.

Most of those home-remedies were bizarre, ridiculous, and even borderline superstitious — but they seemed to work!

For instance, it was said that one could cure heartburn by drinking water mixed with a little ash.

Constipation was no big deal, as all one needed was a piece of soap. However, the less we discuss this particular treatment, including how the soap was administered, the better.

I was reminded of these treatments a while back when my friend Odhiambo complained about a toothache, and a colleague advised him to treat it with milk.

“Just take a spoonful of milk and let it rest on the affected tooth for a minute or two,” he was told.

Odhiambo followed this advice, and the pain was gone in a matter of minutes.

As if using milk to treat dental problems is not incredulous enough, our friend further claimed that superglue and motor brake fluid can cure open wounds, cracks on the feet, burns and insect bites.

Apparently, even in other cultures, there exist countless, unconventional remedies for some of the minor illnesses we suffer.

For instance, my boss — a mzungu — recently shared an incident from his childhood that baffles him to this day.

“I suffered tonsillitis throughout my childhood,” he told me  some time back. He added that it was the most painful of his childhood experiences.

“I lost out on plenty of school time. I would go for treatment virtually every year, but nothing seemed to work”, he recalled.

But one day, during a visit to the doctor, he encountered an elderly lady at the waiting room.

She raised concern on seeing the gigantic lump on the boy’s neck. “What’s the problem with your son?” she asked the boy’s father.

Upon learning what the problem was, she advised them to not see the doctor at all.

“Ah, tonsillitis is a very small problem!” she dismissed. “Just go back home and give him a glass of cold beer,” she said, to the bewilderment of father and son. “Make him drink it in slow gulps and believe me, he will never suffer tonsillitis again,” she declared.

Against his reservations, my boss’ father deferred the doctor’s appointment and opted to try out the lady’s unorthodox therapy. Sure enough, the boy — now in his 50s— recovered a few hours after drowning his drink, and he claims that he never suffered such pains again!

Elsewhere, it has been alleged that baking soda cures smelly feet, drinking yogurt eliminates bad breath and cuddling a puppy relieves stress.

I used to think that such avant-garde treatments were alien in my household, until last week.

On Friday evening, I was minding my business on the couch when Jimmy wobbled into the room from school, looking exhausted and moody.

He had a pencil stuck at the back of his right earlobe in a way that reminded me of old-school carpenters.

“What’s with the pencil on your ear?” I asked, thinking he had adopted a new form of swag.

To this, he announced that he was trying to cure an ache in his belly.

“Ninaumwa na kahasho,” he moaned, while pointing at the right side of his belly.

He had learnt of this “therapy” from a friend in school. I did not know what the “kahasho” word means, so I asked our house girl Maggy, aka Miss Mboch, alias the deejay who spins our plates and related disks in the kitchen.

Maggy could only offer a wild guess. “Kahasho means the appendix”, she piped, while admitting that she was not sure.

Later that evening, Jimmy dispensed with the pencil and pompously announced that his pain was gone, and he spent the rest of the evening bragging of his new cure.

Though I am yet to subject these “cures” to clinical analysis, I have decided to give them a try, if only to avoid bothering our good doctors with simple maladies that I can treat on my own. I will only consult a doctor if symptoms persist.