Self-declaration about non-involvement in monumental bank heist at Equity

This a public declaration that this author is not related to a certain Peter Kimani Machiri who is alleged to have staged a massive bank heist last month, at which Equity Bank lost in excess of Sh1.5b.

First off, I would never need that kind of money at any point of my life, and I would never pursue what I have no use for. Certainly, there are many ways of burning through cash, as some politicians have taught us, like buying designer watches and shoes, but I have never worn a watch all my life.

And I have no use for designer shoes. All my shoes, and they are not many, come from one individual. I believe the shoes are sourced from Moyale, on the Ethiopian border, and arrive in Nairobi, tax-free, through Eastleigh. This means prices have remained unchanged for the last twenty-something years.

Perhaps the other fast way of absorbing a billion and a half into the economy is buying a chopper, but those small contraptions can give one quite a fright and I would rather not fly in them. And in the event of an accident, as some old colleagues believed, there are no prospects of survival.

But the main reason for seeking to distance myself from the said individual is that I wouldn’t involve my sons in any transgression. I do not sit on a moral high ground, but I believe parents should not be responsible for their children’s actions, once they are of majority age.

In any case, I am unsure how I would initiate such conversations in which I invite an offspring to participate in an act of criminality. If I were to endorse such errant behaviour as a parent, the child would extend this to his or her own offspring.

As a pragmatic individual, however, I would not hesitate to modify my judgement if stealing is legalised, and we aren’t too far from there, for it would behove parents to start teaching children to how to steal early. Even better, start stealing together.

Before that happens, please be assured I have nothing to do with recent events at Equity and any individuals implicated in the crime that sounds like me is pure coincidence. Connected to this, my relations should be notified I have not landed on a windfall so I have no money that they can “borrow” from me, now or in the future!