Art of holiday breakups

It’s that time of the year again, when Nairobi traffic grinds to a festive halt, car boots are stuffed with plastic chairs, and half of the city flees to the village. For most, December brings joy, laughter, and those oddly satisfying servings of nyama choma, chapatis and pilau. But for others, it marks the end of the road, quite literally, as couples say ‘It’s over’ to their unions faster than they can say “Merry Christmas!”

Yes, what should be a season of togetherness and Instagram-perfect love declarations has become a season of unmatched emotional exits. Like the years before, 2024 has seen its fair share of high-profile Kenyan couples throwing in the towel before the clock strikes midnight on December 31. The ones we admired as ‘couple goals’—from joint entrepreneurial ventures to soft life holidays in Diani—are now unceremoniously un-coupled.

Take that power duo who we admired for ‘making business and love work’ Fast forward to December, the product still exists, but the love? Vanished, along with the captions.

Then there is King Rabbit and his wife of 13 years! What? And other couples who are quietly unfollowing each other on Instagram. For many Kenyan couples, December serves as both a metaphorical and literal full stop. The year is ending, and so, it seems, their patience. To an outsider, it might seem baffling. Why would anyone choose to break up during a season filled with goat feasts, bonus cheques, and family gatherings? Shouldn’t they wait until January when everyone’s too broke to fight?

But therein lies the genius of the holiday separation. Nothing says ‘New Year, New Me’ quite like shedding the dead weight of a toxic relationship. December divorces are like a pre-emptive spring clean for your soul. Instead of dragging unresolved issues to January, you are fee to start afresh- single, emotionally lighter, and with a fresh diary to fill exciting new possibilities.

Also consider that all those unresolved arguments and simmering resentments finally boil over when couples are forced into long car rides together on their way to the ushago or holiday destination.

Add to that the pressure to keep up appearances— elaborate family lunches, and those awkward introductions of the one to an ever-judging grandma. And so the excuses come: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Or, in some cases, the more brazen ghosting approach: ‘Phone off. WhatsApp last seen removed. Karibu January.’

If December separations weren’t enough, ghosting has entered the chat. In case you’re unfamiliar, ghosting is when one partner disappears faster than a plate of mutura at a street corner. One day you’re sharing a nyama choma platter at Olepolos, and the next, you’re met with cold silence, unanswered texts, and one-word replies that scream, “I’m already halfway out the door.”nFor those unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of a December split, take heart. As one wise uncle at a wedding once said, “A heartbreak isn’t the end of the world. It’s just the beginning of better nyama choma.”

The good news is that December heartbreaks come with distractions. There are weddings to attend (where you can flaunt your sudden glow-up), last-minute plans to coasto and enough music festivals to drown your sorrows. By the time the New Year rolls around, you’ll be too busy posting #NewYearNewMe captions to care about the one who got away. To those walking out of relationships this festive season, take a moment to reflect. A December split may seem like the easy way out—no Valentine’s Day pressure to deal with, but your ghosting will not go unnoticed. Come January, someone will bump into you at Two Rivers Mall and raise a perfectly arched eyebrow as they mutter, “Long time…where did you disappear to?” Eventually, we all cross paths. Anyway eat the chicken, sip the wine, and toast to fresh starts. After all, in Nairobi, where everyone knows someone who knows someone, love’s next chapter is always just a barbecue invite away.