In their DNA or tradition? Why most men secretly revere polygamy

Over a decade ago, former President Mwai Kibaki called a press conference to declare that he had only one wife. This was in response to First Lady Lucy Kibaki's protest that the media was referring to Mary Wambui as Kibaki's second wife.

Kibaki (deceased) expressed his frustration after a former politician mentioned his rumoured relationship with Wambui on television. There were rumours that they had married under customary law dating back to the 1970s.

"I want to make it very clear that I have only one dear wife, Lucy, who is here, and I do not have any other," Kibaki told the press, with a stern-faced first lady at his side and the police chief behind him.

In an almost similar case last year, Kenyans were captivated by another drama involving former Speaker Francis Ole Kaparo and his wife, Mary Mpereina Kaparo, in a divorce court. While the two traded bitter accusations in a divorce case, Mpereina stated that their 40-year marriage had been blissful until December 2015, when Kaparo moved out of their matrimonial home and expressed his intention to marry a new partner.

"The respondent says he wants to marry his new partner, whom he has been welcoming at parties in [our] matrimonial homes in Laikipia, Nairobi, and Kiambu," she said in the case number. The petitioner also accused Kaparo of cheating on her with multiple women.

"On several other occasions, the respondent has admitted to having affairs with other women unknown to the petitioner," she said in her suit papers. Besides cruelty and adultery allegations, Mpereina also claimed in the suit that Kaparo was violent towards her.

"On several occasions, the respondent has beaten the petitioner, causing her severe injuries, and one time, she was treated with a broken leg at Nairobi Hospital," she said.

Adulterous relations

On his part, Kaparo accused his estranged spouse of, among other things, infidelity. "The petitioner has been involved in adulterous relations with men known to herself and the respondent, to the extent of having children out of marriage, a fact that she has variously admitted," he said in his affidavit sworn before the commissioner of oaths, Joseph Makumi, on April 4, 2019.

In response, Mpereina said she was ready to subject her children to DNA tests to prove that Kaparo was their biological father. Kaparo, however, was against any paternity tests on his children, stating that the petitioner wanted to turn a divorce matter into a property dispute.

"The petitioner seems to be more concerned about succession than the children, whom she wants to drag into the matrimonial dispute," he said in his replying affidavit, through his lawyer, Letangule & Company Advocates.

"I further reiterate that the petitioner has been involved in adulterous relations, the issue of children notwithstanding, and any call for a DNA test is diversionary," he insisted. According to Kaparo, paternity tests on their four children were "unnecessary."

Besides infidelity, Kaparo also accused Mpereina of cruelty, saying: "The petitioner has constantly caused physical, emotional, and psychological torture on the respondent in an unprecedented measure of cruelty on a spouse."

According to the respondent, Mpereina, whom he accuses of alcohol addiction, has been sending him "cruel phone messages" and maligning him on social media. Kaparo also told the court that, in the past, for five months when he was ailing, his wife never visited him in the hospital. Kaparo claimed that out of the 40 years of his marriage to the petitioner, 37 have been marred by the cruelty inflicted by the petitioner.

"Since 1984, the petitioner's and the respondent's parents have often counselled her in vain to help her stop the said cruelty, but it has been in vain," he said. Kaparo says he attempted to salvage the relationship, but his efforts were frustrated by his spouse.

"The petitioner cannot listen to anyone and never takes any counsel, further frustrating all efforts of reconciliation," he said.

The big question is, were these sufficient grounds for him to step out of the matrimonial bed and get a lover as alleged by his estranged wife? Well, the jury is still out.

Polygamous by nature

But those we interviewed, and experts, said that infidelity in relationships is a complex issue that affects both men and women, driven by a variety of motivations. While these reasons are not exclusive to men, there are common underlying factors that can lead to infidelity.

Businesswoman Victoria Sheila explains that men are polygamous by nature and that nothing can change them.

"A man left Nairobi to wed his wife in Voi, who was pregnant. All along, I knew he was in Mombasa for a meeting, but he was in Voi for pre-wedding," Sheila said, adding, "I also think some men just married the wrong women or have boring wives. Life is too short to suffer."

Cate from Embu described Nairobi as a gangster city where loving a man is as risky as courting death. She explained that men cheat out of curiosity, sometimes because of something lacking in their relationship.

"The most interesting thing is that some start as cheating and end up in long-term relationships," she explained. She added that men also seek solace when they have troublesome partners to find peace and good company.

"Because if one has a troublesome partner, they look for a calmer, more composed variation of their partner," she explained.

Elizabeth, who works at a call centre, explains that it is hard to understand men, adding, "I, a cousin to my baby daddy, used to visit my place with a friend. It turns out the man was just bringing vegetables to my house. I was too naive and oblivious to their shenanigans. Then I came across a text from the supposed cousin's friend telling my man about how she loves licking him up after coming from the shower, wrapped in a white towel and all wet. Imagine. Since the mother-in-law was a farmer, the son of Adam used to send me to buy rabbits and ship them to her via delivery transport. It turns out he was clearing the goalkeeper for the match to start."

Wanjiru, who works at a university hospital, explained that her man got tired of her. Tracy Otonde, an economist and top model in the country, explained that men cheat for fun, to experience different tastes, and for happiness.

"I came to understand that they cheat because of them and not because of the ladies they're dating. Ah, it's a free world; people can do as they wish," she told the Nairobian.

Emmy, a chef in one of the five-star hotels, said that men are cheaters by nature. "It is in the DNA for men to cheat," she explained.