Confessions: Why can't we keep the fire burning like we used to?

Hi Chris!

Two years ago, when I got married, I was sure that we were going to have a lot of fun in bed. But that turned out to be harder than it sounds, and so most of the time my husband and I both end up disappointed.

And it is not for lack of trying! After a lot of false starts, we have both ended up anxious about lovemaking, and that is a complete turn-off.

And so very often neither of us makes a move, even though we both want to. What can you suggest?

Disappointed

Chris says,

Hi, Disappointed!

You have to be relaxed to feel turned on. So start by finding ways to become less stressed. Rethink your priorities in life, let go of a few activities, and get to bed earlier. Because you are not going to have fun in bed if you are tired. This means rest and light exercise are also part of the equation.

You also have to feel safe and secure in your relationship. So work on letting go of grudges quickly, because long-term relationships need short-term memories in the bedroom.

Work on seeing things from each other’s point of view, so that you understand each other better, and can always talk about anything and everything. Because making love begins long before you get into the bedroom.

In fact, good loving starts with feeling connected all the time. And that does not have to be sexy at all. Even just sitting together helps you tune into one another so that by bedtime you are already close. And afterwards is just as important. So do not just turn over and start snoring!

Learn to love your body, because you cannot enjoy sex if you feel even the slightest embarrassment about your bits. Try to see your body from your husband’s point of view, and let him know what makes you feel good.

Passion always fades and gets replaced by money and job worries. So you need to trick your brain into triggering a new romance.

Do something new, because that releases hormones linked to arousal and love. And it does not have to be anything fancy: just walk somewhere nice together, or try a different restaurant.

And chuck out your to-do list while you are in the bedroom. You have to be 100 per cent in the moment. It is also easy to take the bedroom too seriously, so rethink things and concentrate on just having fun.

Share your fantasies, and figure out how to carry them out. Take risks and be creative with your sofa, shower, and hotel balconies. Everything goes in the dark, and if something does not work out, just laugh about it.

But above all, it is about having the right attitudes. So love your body, love each other, and have fun!

All the best,

Chris