How do we reignite our love?

Hi Chris,

When we started out as a couple, we could not keep our hands off each other. We kissed at every opportunity and had endless, passionate goodbyes.

Then we got married. Then, we were unbearably smug. Convinced that all the stories about things slowing down are really about people who were not meant to be together in the first place. But then things cooled off.

We still love each other. But the kissing and touching has definitely faded away. Instead of long weekends in bed, we have started getting up early to do the shopping. What does all this mean, and is it inevitable? Because I would like those early days back. Any suggestions on how we can renew our passion?

Passionate Again

Chris says,

Hi Passionate Again!

Most couples face this issue and blame all sorts of things. But the real reason is sex is a grown-up skill, and most are in kindergarten!

Still convinced that intimacy is all about romance when actually it requires something a lot more difficult. Becoming truly honest with one another. Hollywood leads us to believe good sex creates intimacy between a couple.

Sex is only good when you have intimacy. We are also told that intimacy is something to do with ‘true love,’ when in fact it is something we do together.

And so as we neglect the emotional connection between us, we gradually realise sex is not what it used to be. But this is not the beginning of the end, it is the end of the beginning.

When we start to figure out what marriage is all about and discover real intimacy. The trouble is, genuine intimacy takes a level of openness and honesty that most of us are not used to. Striving to understand each other. Listening without judgment, criticism or contempt.

Avoid being defensive, and solving problems together, as a team. But get it right and married life becomes a joy. Relaxed. Creative and connected. So start learning to tell the truth to one another.

Becoming truly honest is one of the most wonderful things that can happen in a relationship. It is difficult but rewards the kind of intimacy that helps you to become the couple you want to be.

It creates an intense lifelong bond where you are truly loved and desired for what you are, not what you pretend to be. And you will have more fun in bed! Not all sexual issues can be solved this way of course.

Honesty won’t do a lot for a couple who is exhausted from chasing small children all day. But it shows how learning to understand and take responsibility for yourself is an important part of sex. And, believe it or not, it means that sex gets better as you get older and wiser. So you can start feeling smug all over again.

All the best,

Chris