Since Japan’s former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was assassinated last week, Harold has been walking around with Kinuthia and yours truly as bodyguards.
It bothered me that Kinuthia always carried a tie and a kiondo in his missions. He told me he is trained in tie-kiondo, saying, “Did you see how those aides jumped on the shooter? Tie the assailant up, throw him inside here.”
All this as we readied for the debate between aspirants, which has been advertised on all social media handles and read by the only two people who can access a smartphone in the village, Sue and yours truly.
Ahead of the debate, I had to decide if I wanted to be a moderator or a debater.
Either way, I was going to be in a position to make all the controversial statements I have been baying to.
The debate was held at Harold’s Assembly of Holy Associates (HAHA). All patrons from Sue’s haven were allowed to come in with their favourite drinks, as Harold considered this a strategy to endear him to them.
But Sue knew that intoxicated revellers were always going to vote for the person who put them in that state in the first place.
The third horse, yours truly, decided to be the adjudicator. Political analysts advised that that was the best position for me, as I could let the two fight on the stage and remain the last one standing, the untainted horse.
The interview started at half-past six. It was so cold the contestants came with their own jikos, aiming to make the race more heated.
The building was full of drunkards who were chatting noisily until I called the meeting to order.
“Harold, you have been accused of being the most corrupt leader the village has ever seen,” I said, reminding him that every candidate was allowed five seconds to defend himself.
“I blame the past regimes,” Harold said, remembering the lines I had written him for his defence. Yet we all knew he was the past regime; he is the only leader this unlucky village has known.
“To you, Sue,” I said after briefly consulting with Kinuthia. “You abandoned your husband when things got tough. What makes us sure you will not abandon the village?”
Sue scoffed at me, saying that had she left, she would be as skinny as I am. I asked her if the fear of being thin is what had made her disappear into thin air and she told me I was trivialising matters.
Sue said if she lost, she would close down her pub. The whole room went tense, and I saw Harold shudder. At that moment, I knew that Harold would have given anything to assure Sue that she would win the elections.