There are rules to being a side piece- don't forget them

Back in the day, affairs were talked about in very low tones. An affair was a secret. Side chicks, or mipangos, were hidden like payslips or marijuana. No coughing, no sneezing - actually a side chick was not even supposed to breathe! But with the dynamics of today's dating world, diversity of relationships, freedom and liberation among both gender, affairs are now a part of us.

Being the other woman isn't that easy because it comes with rules. It might look rosy, but we know being around when you're not supposed to be around can be exhausting. It isn't always about road trips, expensive gifts, steamy sexcapades and birthday treats. There's the risk-taking bit, a little drama here and there and even heartbreaks.

There's a difference between a side chick and a girlfriend. Then there's the wife, or main chick. A side chick doesn't have many privileges like the girlfriend or main chick. A girlfriend is official. The main is just that - main. We shouldn't ask questions.

Now, most sides forget the rules of the game and want to overlap. They forget their place in the man's life and want to overtake everyone that came before them. Hey y'all side chicks, here are some of the Thou-Shall-Nots, that you must always refer to, religiously, for a healthy affair.

Thou shall not fall in love

Who told you men need love? Dude has his love life in place, don't even think about this L word! Falling for a man who only wants you as his side chick will ruin this whole thing. An affair is strictly a no-strings-attached kinda arrangement. This is meant for a few benefits, actually treats and small small tokens from the man in exchange for casual sex. Have your ecstatic moments girl, and go home. Catching feelings in such a situationship will leave you brutally heartbroken.

Thou shall not stalk

Christina, where do you even get the hoedacity to stalk a man who is not your man? This is pointless because you'll be left! If man hasn't told you anything about him and his life, it means he doesn't want you to know. Remain at that. Don't ask or talk about his other relationship(s). Some side chicks even go to the extent of stalking the man's main or family life. Focus.

Thou shall remain silent forever

Should beans spill together with the soup, never admit to anything. Deny deny deny. You know nothing, you know no one! Let the dude handle his own shit and gather the beans, if it gets messy and noisy. You're not part of this, you've never seen him. Mind your godamn business. Let him sort his fuckery. Don't go fighting and exchanging words with his other women.

Thou shall not get pregnant

Now this is what beats mostly! Unless it's an agreed upon arrangement between the two of you, unless you find his gene legit and you just want to have his seed and flee, never get pregnant for a man who is not your main man. A girlfriend can have his kid. But not you, a side chick. Guard your ovaries babe, leave your uterus at home. You're not in the business of making babies, just have good sex and go shower back in your house. Trapping him with a pregnancy won't make him stay, mummy.

Thou shall always be sharp

No sane man wants a daft and needy side chick with unnecessary and silly attachments. You should always be smart, and your communication skills must be top notch. Keep things bubbly but low key. Never leave any evidence anywhere, in his car or house. Lipstick, earings, hair bands, toothbrushes and stuff. Clean off any traces of evidence that might ruin your otherwise exciting affair.

Thou shall go with the flow

If dude says left, go left. If he says don't breathe, don't! Si that's what you signed up for? Be kept in the pocket? If he is having issues with any of his main chicks or wife and wants to calm down before meeting you, obey mama. If you two were to have a romantic dinner date then he texts to cancel the date because his three-year-old has swallowed a spoon, don't ask questions. Utawachwa mama!

Thou shall be a Hoe in bed

Look here Agatha, dude is not looking for a wife in you to take to his mother. His mind is focused elsewhere. Neither does he want a business partner. This is purely for excitement. Be dirty, do dirty. This is something you might not do with your main man. Be a bedroom vixen, that's all they want. Being a side chick is a cocktail of sweetness and savage. It has its fair share of troubles and complications. If you're the obsessive type, or the hopeless romantic like I am, haa, this doesn't sound good for you. Just find the main chick vacancy and fill in.