Political insults that will go down memory lane

Last week, Kirinyaga Woman Rep Wangui Ngirici tweeted: “By 10am, we shall have mopped the county headquarters with her booty pants.” This was in reference to her opponent, Governor Ann Waiguru.

It was a colourful phrase, one that somehow caused mind to undress Her Excellency Governor Waiguru, alias Minji Minji.

Ngirici’s retort conjured memories of West Pokot Governor John Lonyangapuo’s hilarious putdown of an opponent whom he referred to as fupi, nono, round.

“Kijana fupi, amenona, round, huwezi jua tumbo ni wapi na mgongo ni wapi. Hana kazi, hana kazi (a short young man, very fat, round you cannot tell where his stomach or back is. He is jobless)!” he cracked.

That video clip not only went viral, but was so famous that President Uhuru Kenyatta was captured mimicking it with great mirth when he met Lonyangapuo at a function.

Such colourful retorts are the wine with which Kenyan politics is eaten, especially at the Coast where language is spicy and lyrical, the wit colourful and the insults stinging.

Malindi MP Aisha Jumwa alias dada shangazi of ‘kutingiza kiuno’ (shaking the waist) may have risen to political stardom courtesy of her acerbic tongue.

 “Kiuno ninancho, asiye nachake ni nani? Unavyo kifanyia kazi shauri yako (I’ve a waist, who does not have one? How you use it is up to you),” she declared in 2019 in reference to her dalliance with Deputy President William Ruto.

Although her critics have used its literal meaning to hit at her, a Coast literature scholar says Jumwa meant that her political ideology was inseparable from Ruto.

“If I was to give it a direct translation it means they are joined at the hip,” explained Mwanaisha Kadenge, a poet.

Kadenge added that Jumwa was also extolling herself using taarab songs whose hidden meanings that if taken literally can be interpreted as vulgar.

“Mlingoti ni chuma, bendera ni chuma na kamba ni chuma. Niko nawe tukutane bandarini (the post of the flag is iron, the flag is iron and rope iron let’s meet at sea),” said Jumwa while daring Mombasa Governor Hassan Joho for a political battle on the supremacy of Coast.

In Mombasa, Likoni MP Mishi Mboko alias Simba Jike has also mastered the use of tongue-in-check political strategy wrapped in her mastery of the Swahili language.

“Muungwana akivuliwa nguo, huchutama (a gentleman who is stripped naked, squats),” said Mishi in her praise to Uhuru and Raila for remaining silent of criticism over the handshake.

“Watabaki kuwa majoka ya mdimu, mdimuni mtakua mumetanga lakini hata hizo ndimu hamutazipata (They’re green vine snake, they sleep on lemon tree but do not see the fruit,” Mishi said to those in government yet to notice benefits of the ‘handshake’.

And for the vocal male politicians who critic Uhuru’s government, Mishi quipped: “Safari tutawavisha wanaume wanaosema sana madera (We’ll be forced to buy nosey men dera (a loose hanging outfit worn by women),”

Mvita MP and ODM Mombasa governor candidate Abdulswamad Nassir had one for those questioning his degree papers.

“Wananifwata sana hivi karibuni watauliza ni navaa kikoi rangi gani (they are all over me to the extent that they will soon start demanding to know the colour of my kikoi),” said Nassir who has since been cleared to run.

In Kwale, the late Senator Boy Juma Boy’s speech rubbed Kenyans both the right and the wrong way. Whenever he took the political podium he communicated in idioms or short stories.

Others are Kanu’s Mohamed Bafadhil in Lamu.

“Nyege ni za kunyegezana jamaa (scratch my back I scratch yours),” he said when he was making case for Kanu in Azimio arrangement.

“Huwezi kuwacha mabibi saba kwa wakati mmoja alafu useme bibi ndio wana makosa (you cannot divorce seven women at a go and claim you are right,” he said in reference to Ruto’s defections. 

In Kakamega, governor aspirant Fernandes Barasa and his running mate Ayub Savula have been promising to sponsor the education of Senator Cleophas Malala who is vying against them under the ANC ticket.

Barasa and Savula have on occasions pledged Sh500,000 non-refundable amount from the county’s allocation to go into educating the 37-year-old who is battling a court case questioning a degree he presented to the electoral body.

“You all know Malala has no degree and rather than struggle with the court case which will likely go against him, I advise him to drop his governorship bid as we have an education offer for him for the five years he will be in the political cold,” said Savula, also the Lugari MP, in a rally at Khwisero some weeks ago.

“We will allocate some Sh500,000 bursary from the county’s bursary kitty for him to go back to school so that he meets the degree threshold.”

But since Kakamega is not a county of free lunch, Barasa has been particular with the course Malala should pursue and for a reason.

But Malala, a self-made playwright, is not the kind to take such blows without swinging a deft uppercut in return.

“Is it the alcohol in Savula speaking, or Savula himself?” he quipped, before adding his challenger Barasa resembles Congolese Soukous maestro Kanda Bongoman, suggesting that he might after all not be a Kenyan.

In days gone by, Martin Shikuku, a master orator, turned voters against his opponent by saying the man had two gates leading to his home, so how would his constituents reach him?