Smitta’s 10 tips on how to talk in a Russian World Cup bar

Russian President Putin [Photo: Courtesy]

Talk like them too  - and here are a few tips for the likes of Mwingi MP Charles Nguna Ngusya (CNN) who subbed us in the second half here in St. Petersburg, to continue watching World Cup.

Basic Russian for the bar, mein comrades.

1 Mozhno ugostit’ tebya vodoski? (May I offer you a vodka)?

This is for when yur sitting, say, at a bar counter somewhere in Russia, waiting to watch a game.

And a very bae chiquitta is sitting nexta you. Here, it is good manners to offer to buy a drink.

Not like Kenya where you arrogantly tell the waiter "tupia yule mresh tot mbili ya whiskey, alafu m-rade ni mimi!"

2. Dva vodkoi, pozhaluista! (Two vodkas, pliz)

The standard vodka order, anywhere in Russia.

You can also ask for ‘vodka cola,’ of course – but the Russki siloviki will consider you as pussy as those cats in Nakuru that allow themselves to get wrapped into samosas.

‘Pozhaluista’ (please!), pronounced ‘paz – al-staya’ is the second most popular word in Russia; after ‘nyet,’ meaning NO!!

3. ‘Poehali’ and ‘Nasda rovya’ (‘Let the booze get started’ and ‘cheers’)

Once you start boozing, you just keep saying ‘poehali’ – let the booze get rolling – till you yourself are rolling on the floor.

Then therez ‘nasda rovya,’ or ‘to triumph,’ instead of the very soft English ‘cheers.’

4. Russkie Devushki ochen’ kra-sive (Russian gals are very beautiful)

Imma not sure if this is the best line to unleash on the Russki chiquitta yur tryin’ to slay at the vodka counter. But I can assure you, walkin’ down the Nevski prospect, say, on a summer’s day in Saint Petersburg, this is the ONLY line on your mind, as you mutter – ‘Russki devushki krasive!’

5. Zenit – Champion (Zenith is Champion)

This line about FC Zenit St Peterburg, will earn you marks  n maybe a vodoski) in a Russian pub, from male footie fanatics – but only in Saint Petersburg city!

If you are in Moscow, just change it to ‘Ceska Moscow champion!’ ‘Spartak Moscow champion!,’ or ‘Lokomotiv Moscow champion,’ depending on whether you are at the barracks, bar or train.

6. Kto Viygraet Championat Mira? (Who will win the World Cup)?

This is guaranteed to start a discussion that can last several hours among Russki footer crazies in ze pubs. And the correct answer, of course, is RUSS-I-YAA, RUSS-I-YAA, yelled at the top of one’s lungs.

Personally, the Smitta thinks Russki will thump Croatia kesho, n go all tha way to the W-Cup semis.

7. Po Poslednemu pivu I domoi (this is our last beer, and then we go home)

This is normally said at eleven to eleven pam, five minutes after the final whistle.

You order your last pint of the evening.

Five hours later, yur still there, hiccking at the barman: ‘po poshlednemu vodkoi I domoi’ (bring more vodka na ile ndimu niwekele kwa domo hii!’

Ati haujui unajua? Kitaeleweka!

Or as the Russkis love to say: ‘I understand!’

8. Vashi Barmeni, Prosto Klass (You barmen are just really wicked!)

This is often said after a long zapoya of vodoski drinkin, when the bill finally fikas the counter – and the roubles loaded on it look like troubles.

9. Ya Ne Mogu Bol’ she pit, No ya vse ravno budui – I cannot really drink any more, but I will.

Screw the bill! In Russia, the night is always young, even at five am, esp on the white nights.

This is the true Russki approach to booze, vodoski pozhaluista!

10. Chto Budet, Esli ya budu meshat’ pivo s vodkoi – What will happen if I mix my beers with vodka? These are the kinds of deep thoughts you may get after a long night out on Rubenshteiya. The answer is you may take a shat, or throw up on your shirt, all sortsa s8t.

Time to really go home, you rascal! After all, it is now 8 am in asubuhi.

 Smitta Bonus: Thanks to the moikamba Mutua Mulaa, the very wise John Sunyai n Twisted’s manager Rodgers Nyapeni 4 the ‘Welcome Back From Russki’ drinkskis last Monday nite, as we watched Belgium come back against those ‘fair play’ sushis, Japan.

The distance tween the Office Pub in St Pete’s, Russia, and the Stakeout Pub in Sana Sana, South B (where we were) is 12,660 kms by road, or twelve hours n 66 minutes by plane.